1st December

Again I feel like I’m making progress, slow but for sure I’m climbing out of the self-pity pit I threw myself into. Getting to grips with my sleeping pattern is important and that’s working a little better at the moment. So then, today a little decorating which has me feeling good about myself; then the weekly shop and overall that’s pretty good by my standards. And Christmas has come early in the form of my first card from an old friend, but also as I began to work on a list of a dozen carols. I’ve been asked to provide music for a visit to a residential home followed by an outdoor walk around the streets of Kilburn. Playing by ear under streetlights takes me back a few years, but I’ll get by I reckon. Wonder if it will snow…

This afternoon was another challenge as I decided to set up a tribute page for Jane… you’ll find a link in the sidebar. But close friends and family may want to avoid or at least open a pack of tissues first! And I found this exercise encouraging as I was able to grieve properly by crying, yes, but also remembering how good she was for me. I really am so massively grateful for the privilege of having such a close friend as Jane. She was a perfect wife and an inspiration in all that she did.

I’m a much better person after living with Jane for so many years, but it seems that the Lord has not finished with me yet. I suppose you could say I’m a work in progress, though it’s much easier having a wife to smooth out the rough edges of my character! And I hate the thought of my home becoming completely masculine. Oh yes, everything will be in as good a state of repair as it always has been, but I suspect there’ll be a lack of warmth and maybe a layer of dust here and there escaping my best intentions. Jane has a collection of hearts adorning our living room as well as all sorts of ornaments. I cannot conceive of ever even understanding how to buy such things, though I do know how to bury my home-cinema cables in the wall and sort out the permanent cable spaghetti behind the TV. Marriage is a partnership and we each had our strengths and weaknesses. But I have to trust that my weaknesses were more down to lack of interest that innate inability. I have to grow as a person; I have to become the person God created me to be. One day at a time, one step at a time.

1 John 3:2 ‘Dear friends, we are already God’s children, but he has not yet shown us what we will be like when Christ appears. But we do know that we will be like him, for we will see him as he really is.’ (NLT)