Sunday, October 23, 2011

23rd October

I like feeling happy, I don’t like feeling sad… who does? Today I feel sad. But that’s pretty much normal at the moment and though I remain determined it’ll be temporary, today’s been a bit rubbish. I made it to church this morning but still find myself breaking down with tears part way through. It makes me feel ill and really has got to stop, somehow I have to toughen up and stop myself from thinking of Jane all the time. I know that God’s grace is sufficient for every challenge that life brings my way, but allowing myself to think about Jane rather than concentrating on the Lord and the church service is part of my problem. Some days it all feels too much to cope with. Yesterday was a high; today I’m feeling rather low. Although it may be understandable, it’s certainly not desirable and I have to find a way of breaking this pattern of emotional turmoil.

Yesterday’s wedding was a wonderful distraction, it went so well and today I’ve taken my very excited daughter and her husband to the airport for their week long honeymoon. I wish I were going on honeymoon. It sounds wonderful, a new start in life with the person you love. And now I’m talking rubbish, I’ve already enjoyed a lifetime of permanently young love. I was on my honeymoon for over 37 years; our love never grew stale and despite life’s challenges simply grew stronger year on year. But right now I long for a new life; everything has already changed, though from my point of view very much for the worse. The ‘new’ life I’m currently living feels pretty horrible and can only be bearable knowing it to be transient. But the new life I will live is another story and it will be a good one, filled with love, I’m sure, because God has filled my heart with his love. And God’s love is for sharing.

Romans 8:28 ‘And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.’ (NLT)

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