Monday, October 24, 2011

24th October

Well I feel a bit better today, apart from a few extra aches and pains that is. And I reckon somebodies been praying for me as I feel a lightness in my spirit, as if the joy of the Lord is rising up once again. This morning was quite challenging as I helped Jane’s mum to move into her new home. Jane’s sister has placed her in sheltered accommodation about a mile from my home so she can be easily connected to her old lifestyle once again. And already my daughter and grandchildren have visited her to welcome her back to Derby. But she remains severely depressed and at age 97 is struggling to adapt to losing Jane, who was her primary carer, as well as missing the home she lived in for over 14 years. I can’t help but feel a little guilty that I’m no longer offering her a place in my home, even though it just wouldn’t be right for two blokes to be providing semi-disabled care for a very elderly lady. Not only would it not work practically and also relationally but I reckon the emotional turmoil of living in my home with a missing Jane would be completely unbearable. It almost is for me, for sure. and although I’m choosing to make no major decisions in the short term I may yet decide I have to move house in order to move on. But the old lady is totally beat up at the moment, really confused and doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going. Anyway I’ve helped move some of her stuff into the apartment she’s been given and she was pleased when I managed to connect her old Skybox so she could watch a selection of Christian TV again. I’m young enough to rebuild my life, more than that I potentially have several decades left to accomplish just about anything I choose. But Jane’s mum is not in that position at all and is really struggling with motivation even to live. She should be well cared for, having plenty of choice of activity and nearby friends on a sheltered housing estate, so whilst all concerned say I shouldn’t feel guilty, I still do. I know such guilt is not of God as I’m convinced I have a different pathway now and anyway I no longer have direct responsibility as Jane’s sister is her next of kin. I just find it difficult to let go sometimes… I hate to see anybody suffer, but some things I can’t make right no matter how hard I try. Jane’s gone and I can’t get her back.

John 14:26 But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.’ (ESV)

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