29th October

I’ve tried to do as little as possible today. A little cleaning then resting as much as possible, although that is as always very frustrating and quite boring when there are so many things I could be doing. But M.E. is a bit of a beast when ignored and I have all the signs of borderline relapse, particularly the blinding headache I wake up with every morning.  I hate it, I just want to feel healthy again and get back to work! At the moment all I can do is manage the condition to maximise my quality of life, which is actually pretty good as I get to do most things I always have, only in small portions. But I’m not complaining… am I? Anyway, I did have the privilege of collecting my newlywed daughter and husband from the airport, back from their honeymoon in Amsterdam. They seem to have had a great time cruising on the canals, shopping, an evening gig and a trip to the local cinema. The film they went to see was promoted as being subtitled so they were a little hesitant but then it turned out to be in American English with Dutch subtitles so that worked well. Apparently just about everyone not only spoke but wanted to speak in English so it was very easy to get about, unlike some European cities. Ah, young love on an adventure… I’m not jealous, really I’m not. Not much anyway. They brought me some interesting cheese back though, so I’m happy.

But tomorrow is a biggy.  First the afternoon Remembrance Service for the recently bereaved, and then my daughter’s birthday tea.  I’m hosting a family party for 15 with curry as the chosen favourite of the birthday girl. So that’ll be busy, but fun. And challenging without Jane. But what better way to remember her, when the family party was really her very special thing. She loved them. And I still love her, and miss her terribly. Bereavement is so absolutely final as there’s no going back; though earlier today my dodgy imagination starting playing tricks when I had this thought that wouldn’t be nice if Jane just popped in for a flying visit. Just to say a quick hello and let us know she’s alright. A bit like an old friend come calling every now and again…

But really there’s only one ‘old friend’ I need in my life right now. The person of God. He’s all I really need to live a full life and in his strength I will persevere in letting go of Jane. I’ll never forget her, she’ll always have a treasured place in my heart but I refuse to allow grief to hold me back from moving on into all that the Lord sets before me. And tomorrow he’s setting before me 4 children, 3 sons-in-law, 4 grandchildren, my mum, my dad, and Jane’s mum! Is there anyone more blessed than I am?

Psalm 127:3 ‘Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.’ (NLT)