Sunday, October 09, 2011

9th October

I feel quite subdued today; it’s the old M.E. problem that I can’t seem to make progress with at the moment. I just feel pretty horrible and need to do something about it. I’ve decided to pack up my motorhome tomorrow and head for the hills, the Malvern Hills where Jane and I so often retreated to over the past few years, especially when longer journeys were not so easy. It’s always felt so peaceful there and it’s only 85 miles from home which means a relatively short journey, so a short break was easily accessible and still is. I’ve been debating another trip ever since I returned from Deal a couple of weeks ago, when I felt I’d returned home a little too early. I have to look after my mental health in order to keep M.E. at arm’s length and function normally, so when I feel ill it’s hard to cope with grief as it’s so stressful. And that makes me even more ill… a vicious circle. I need a pick-me-up and a few days in the isolation of the countryside usually works well for me.

This morning was the decider. I stood in church, enjoying the worship and all of a sudden I needed Jane to be there with me. Once more the tears were overwhelming as I felt so very lonely, just missing the simple intimacy of close friendship that we enjoyed so much. I have so many things all the time that I want to tell her about… a year or two ago we went to one of her university friend’s wedding and now she’s started a family. Jane would have been delighted. Our son has a full time job that he really enjoys, our youngest daughter’s marriage is less than two weeks away, her friends from the church prayer group always find time for kind words and not a few hugs… but as much as anything it’s the inconsequential minutiae of everyday life that I miss talking about. I have to admit to finding myself muttering to the cat about his behaviour as well which is pretty pointless. Jane is fine, more than fine where she is right now and actually she’s missing out on nothing now she’s engaging in the business of eternity. But I need to get my life back, I can’t live like this, whatever it takes I have to let go, I have to move on. Travel may help as a quick fix but really I need a new life, I need to rediscover my identity in Christ. Who am I and what are God’s plans for my future? I will not rest until I meet with him and know afresh the purpose of God fulfilled in me. That is for sure an honour I do not deserve, but it is something I ask for and will persist in.

Colossians 3:1-3 ‘Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honour at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God.’ (NLT)

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