Tuesday, October 04, 2011

4th October

And I’ve been resting today, which is rather boring but unfortunately I need to. I don’t actually feel too bad, but I know if I tackle one of the many jobs waiting around my house it’ll make me ill again, like last week. So a few days rest and then maybe I’ll get the mower out, or a paintbrush or whatever. And even a half hour or so a day eventually gets me through the biggest of jobs. But I have to be in a stable place to maintain let alone increase my activity levels, so that’s my first goal and I will not be defeated by M.E. it has no claim upon my life.

For most of my life I couldn’t cook. When a little younger I was quite happy changing a gearbox on my car and then I self-taught building and repairing computers, but the kitchen? It was a scary place; I was completely out of my depth and stayed well away leaving it to the experts… Jane taught all our girls to cook really well. But then this last couple of years she gave me a special gift by teaching me how to cook. I had to really because she was so ill some of that time, though she made it fun! I remember one time, the rule was, every time I altered the cooker controls we had to kiss and cuddle before moving on. That meant I didn’t care what the food tasted like… but I learnt enough to at least follow instructions with a little bit of confidence. So yesterday I made a curry and today was sweet and sour… ok, the organic sauces were out of jars but I could at least make a curry from scratch if I felt like it. I have not been defeated by culinary ineptitude. I like my food and intend to eat and live as healthily as possible.

But the battle I have with grief is of a different order altogether. It totally overwhelms at times and I really do need to get some sort of control back. I know the season of grief will last quite a while longer, but I’m beginning to see the floods of tears as rather unhelpful, especially when they arrive so unexpectedly. I keep ending up feeling ill and then I get headaches that last for days. Maybe if I could choose a time each day to grieve that would help. Perhaps the trick is to be careful what I allow myself to think about rather than just letting my mind wander. A repetitive train of thought just recently has been remembering Jane in her final few hours… wondering what was going through her mind. Some questions will never be answered and I must stop wondering about pointless things like that. Grief needs to be expressed but it will not take over my life, I will walk through it in God’s strength and pick up the new life he has prepared for me, in his time.

The cat’s another story… he still howls several times a day.

Philippians 4:13 ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.’ (NKJV)

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