Friday, November 11, 2011

11th November

Today has been an almost non-event. Apart from a short and very easy excursion to retrieve my daughter’s artwork from yet one more gallery I’ve done almost nothing. Just the absolute minimum of daily chores as I am totally exhausted. And it feels like something rather more than the obvious Chronic Fatigue; I believe I’m simply worn out living with the stress of grief. The whole thing feels like a very bad dream that just goes on and on, it’s totally unreal, and at the moment it seems like there’s nothing on the horizon to really look forward to. I enjoy my family, of course, but that’s not enough. I need to rebuild my life from top to bottom as everything is turned upside down. Everything I’ve done for forty years has been in the context of a close and ultimately sacrificial relationship. I gave Jane everything I had. And now I’m left with nothing. I don’t know how to live without loving a woman; I don’t like making decisions without giving preference to another. I really enjoyed sharing everything and asking very little for myself, and I actually believe that was my God given calling… to be a good husband and father. And now my kids are all grown up and are more like best friends than children, and my wife has died, and my life feels empty. All the things I was any good at and enjoyed have gone… I was a good husband, I was good at raising young children, I was a good honest Financial Advisor, I was a good worship leader and I was a good small group leader for my church. I’ve enjoyed much of my life and miss nearly all these things… not sure about the Financial Advisor thing, but I do miss going to work and meeting lots of new people.

And I’m still young at 59. I could easily have another 20+ years of relatively active life, I refuse to give up. I have my eyes open, looking for a way to move on. I’m preparing myself physically with swimming and walking most days and my last medical concluded my diet was healthy. I like to think I’m getting myself ready for something, although I have no idea what. But it’s clear that I need to let go of my recent past; I need to be healed of the trauma of providing palliative care in the home and the subsequent bereavement. Life is getting easier, I know, but days like today are just a bit too much to cope with. It’ll pass, tomorrow’s a brand new day and anything can happen then…

1 Corinthians 9:24-27 ‘Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should.’ (NLT)

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