Another tough day. But sometimes, I guess, you just have to dig your heels in and decide to stand against the negative thoughts that could be so damaging. I am determined to remain positive about my life and about my future and I will embrace every good thing that’s set before me with enthusiasm. And the real battle is in my mind. I cannot deny the real challenges brought about by the difficult changes to my life. But neither should I deny the power of God to overcome those same challenges. So for every earthly problem, there is a heavenly solution. More than that, there is a heavenly blessing that more than compensates for earthly loss.
Now, my wonderful wife has died after a horrible and prolonged battle with cancer. She endured tremendous suffering over some years. But she was instantly and completely healed as she stepped into eternity to enjoy a new life in paradise in the presence of Jesus for ever. That makes me happy… very happy.
And I miss her massively as she is the love of my life and has been a marvellous companion over almost forty years. I can’t imagine life without her, I feel empty and a little lost. But God is love, and he will never leave me or forget me. So really my life continues to enjoy perfect love and the wonderful companionship of the Lord. In his presence there is fullness of joy!
I don’t know how I can cope without her. She was a perfect support for all that I did, encouraging every decision I needed to make, with a perfectly complementary wisdom. The Bible says it is not good for man to be alone and he made Jane a ‘perfect’ companion especially for me. And now she’s gone and I’m alone again and I don’t like it! But I’m not alone, or without support and guidance, as the Holy Spirit is my perfectly wise teacher, leading me step by step into the future as I reach out to him. I know the presence of God and I trust in his power to overcome every challenge.
Jane was good for me. I trust I was for her, though in a different way obviously. But the goodness she brought to my life has ended; she taught me how to care for the young and the old, and the outcasts of society, and the sick and the needy… she was always provocative, challenging me to do more. Now I have to do the ‘right thing’ all by myself. It’s time I grew up I suppose… so that’s good, as long as I do.
I’m not sure how to find the right words… Jane was unique, as we all are, and can never be replaced in my heart or my life. She’s gone to a better place of course. But I haven’t and maybe won’t for some time. And my problem at the moment is that I no longer have a wife and everything within me says that I need one. I long for the intimate conversation that only such a close friend can share, I loved the challenge of yielding personal desires to a shared life, and it was always so very fulfilling making someone else happy. At the moment I have very little interest in doing anything for my own personal pleasure, everything feels rather meaningless. I don’t know how to be single and I don’t want to be single. But it seems I have no choice, as I haven’t the remotest idea how to go about finding another wife… I’m forty years out of practice! And I'm carrying baggage. So I have to learn to seek the Lord in a rather different way. Right now he is my sole companion on my journey through life. And everything I say and do, indeed every thought needs be purposed for his pleasure, my goals need to be his goals, my interests need to be his interests. And I don’t find that easy I must admit. I think I keep getting off track. It was much easier having Jane to talk things through with and then we’d encourage one another to ‘get on with it’.
Sometimes I feel like ‘giving up’, and then I remember that I haven’t got anything left to give up. So somehow I just pick myself up and simply get on with learning how to do the ‘right thing’. Jane did that whilst she was dying. I can do that whilst I’m living. I can ‘see’ her in heaven this evening, on her knees praying for me…
2 Corinthians 10:5 ‘we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.’ (NIV)
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