Sunday, December 11, 2011

11th December

What a horribly upsetting day it’s been. I didn’t get enough sleep last night and so started the day feeling very tired as well as having to deal with the very normal exhaustion. So emotionally I was rather fragile which means that instead of having to deal with a single episode of tears in church this morning, I found myself quite upset on three or four occasions. When I arrived home there were Christmas cards to open and I broke down again. It’s all too much and it’s made worse by not sleeping properly. Though people are so very kind and caring all I actually want is Jane. And I can’t have her. She’s gone… for the rest of my earthly life. So somehow I have to get over it. And that’s easier said than done. I have all the theory and I understand the grieving process, I’ve seen other people work or not work through it, and I had several years staring death and bereavement in the face, whilst Jane was ill… and yet nothing can prepare you for the reality of such total loss. My heart is completely broken. It needs mending.

Of course I’ve been crying out to God for help, asking him to send relief from the ongoing inward focus that bereavement brings. So I need to say thank you for an increasingly busy week, now scheduled, which will be a great distraction. So on a couple of days, so far, I’ll get to see two of my daughters and a couple of evenings I’ll be playing guitar for carol singing at church events. I also have to prepare a very short Bible based message covering the Christmas story for one of the meetings. And this morning I was also asked to play a performance song at next Sunday’s Christmas CafĂ©… which request grew into leading worship for the whole event. I don’t mind the busyness as I need positive engagement to break away from introspection. But I’m not sure when I’ll find time to progress my decorating project…

Psalm 147:3 ‘He heals the brokenhearted’ (NLT)

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