Thursday, December 29, 2011

29th December

More of the same today. No I’ve not been careless with the chopping board; I’m talking about my need to rest. And actually I feel quite a lot better with only a slightly muzzy head and no real need to take painkillers. Unfortunately that’s when temptation to start doing more creeps in, and I do have so many little jobs to tackle sometime soon. I almost got the ladder out to clean my conservatory roof, but resisted, maybe tomorrow. So anyway not much happening in Dave’s world and I’ve completely avoided tears all day, but I can feel that I’m the edge of a downer as the negative thoughts are starting to attack my mind again. I really do have to take some attention off myself and focus elsewhere as otherwise I can easily end up thinking ‘Dave’s life is finished’, ‘he’ll live another forty years as a miserable widower’, ‘his life is set in stone, nothing will ever change now’… and so on and so on! Whilst I may sometimes think these thoughts, I refuse to accept them. Of course these are plausible realities and without a substantive breakthrough the best I can expect is a softening of the rawness of grief, hopefully to be replaced with more enjoyable memories. And yes maybe one day I’ll be able to accept being alone, though that seems too hard at the moment. I long for company of the calibre that Jane brought into my life. Simple friendship with no demands, the highest moral standards, and always provoked with outrage at the ungodly evil portrayed through the medium of TV news. We often had a little joke about her lunchtime soapbox when she would so often become agitated at the injustice in the world. And occasionally her fervour resulted in more direct action, somehow she could see that there were real people behind the stories and she was determined to do her ‘little’ bit to help.

Breakthrough, yes that’s what I want. I need to step off the road I’m walking down and start travelling in a new direction.  Sometimes I wonder if I’ve got enough get up and go to make a new start. I gave everything to Jane as I cared for her and have almost nothing left for myself. So it’ll have to be one little step at a time. I need a plan. A New Year list of goals should do the trick, maybe some small things to include in my life straight away; and some larger ambitions to reach out for and maybe grow into. Loneliness is a biggy. At different times over the years I’ve enjoyed various groups of friends… years ago I played in a couple of rock bands; and badminton clubs which always end up in the pub. I’ve been part of lots of church teams doing all sorts of stuff and that always leads to friendship… and occasionally the pub! Before I met Jane my friends were pseudo-bikers, though we spent most of our time in intellectual debate… teenagers trying to get a handle on meaning of life stuff. She introduced me to a larger group of student friends and ‘The Cabonga Club’ was great fun for a couple of years. Perhaps it’s an age thing, or I’ve been too busy building family but, whatever, I’ve ended up alone aside from family. I have no social life and I want one. Perhaps I could go to an adult education class, or find a traditional folk club, or if I practice a lot first find an art club or maybe even photography… nothing too serious though. Or maybe if I ask nicely and pray a bit harder the Lord would send an angel to knock on my front door or telephone or e-mail and invite me out with a nice bunch of people to talk about meaning of life stuff again. Just like when I was a teenager…   

In the meantime I’ll go for short term intervention, find something else that’s nice to do… hey what’s that, have my Christmas chocs really all gone?

Hebrews 13:2 ‘Don’t forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it!’ (NLT)

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