Tuesday, December 27, 2011

27th December

So that was quite a successful day. I achieved everything I planned, which was precisely nothing. A day of rest. A day of recovery after the busyness of Christmas. Apart from a little blip that is. Yes, I did have a moment earlier today, a brief relapse into the world of grief. And the cause was completely unpredictable. I wondered whether I should be playing a music cd I’d been given for Christmas - Rodrigo Y Gabriela. As a guitarist I enjoy just about every genre of music where a guitar is playing, especially with skill to the fore. This Mexican couple play acoustic fusion with a strong Folk/Latin Rock influence. I love it, enough to have it playing continuously for over five hours today. The doubts crept in though with it reminding me so very much of an evening of contemporary Flamenco, Jane and I enjoyed somewhere near Barcelona, about 4 years ago. It was the most amazing cultural experience with many hundreds sat around long tables drinking an everlasting supply of Sangria. Rather watery and tasteless but thirst quenching I suppose. There were many nationalities there and it became very clear that the Brits are absolutely rubbish at community singing, when our country’s turn to sing came! So, was that the reason for getting upset? Not a bit of it, I only have the happiest of memories from that wonderful evening. Jane even bought a special outfit in anticipation of such an event. It was great…

Ok, the problem was actually caused by a pickled onion… another Christmas gift and actually still very welcome, a home-made jar along with some very nice cheeses. Both of which I thoroughly enjoyed, in due course. But it’s impossible to avoid or even halt the intrusion of memory flashbacks disrupting my equilibrium. Yes I thought of 40 years of Christmas, and I believe every single one of them included pickled onion, alongside cheese – not always today’s White Stilton with Cranberry – and don’t forget the pork pie, even if I’m now vegetarian. And every single one of them included Jane, who always made sure every ingredient for a successful Christmas was carefully put into place. Until this one. This year I had no tree, no lights, I bought no special food or drink and sent not a single Christmas card. Every time I even thought of engaging and taking Jane’s place in the run up to Christmas I shied away… I just couldn’t do it and had to trust that those around me would understand. All I did was buy presents for my immediate family and I tried to be rather more generous than usual in that as well. So, enjoyable as they are I could survive Christmas without pickle as I did survive without many of the other trimmings. But without Jane nothing feels right.

I keep thinking… I was born to be a husband. And at a secondary level a father also. So now I feel rather dysfunctional. I really don’t know what to do without my wife to love and care for. It’s possibly the only thing I was ever really good at, and certainly the only thing I ever wanted to do. Jane absolutely adored me and I her, we were totally in love always and we even made plans for our future life in eternity. Some may consider it wishful thinking but I don’t care, in my mind’s eye I can see our future home set in eternity and I have a glimpse of a new life together. But today and tomorrow I have to work things out in this world, whatever that means. I suppose it means I have to change… at the moment being single sucks. I hate it. But I don’t know what I can do about that. In the short term I have to get used to it or I really will turn into a grumpy old man. And that won’t do at all!

Revelation 21:5 And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.” (NLT)

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