Sunday, December 04, 2011

4th November

I’ve felt really upset again today, just thinking about Jane all the time. After more than 6 months I still miss her massively and struggle to function in anything like a normal way. Love can be such a wonderful gift and yet so painful when the time comes to part ways. Of course the pain is a small price to pay for the many years of pleasure, but it hurts so much. I just feel completely lost and most days I don’t know what to do with myself. Motivation for doing anything has completely gone; all day long I’m recalling treasured memories of the past 40 years simply reliving the wonderful life I’ve enjoyed. And it’s all a bit random as well, a bit like flicking through a photo album, except that the snapshots of my life are permanently imprinted in my memory causing unavoidable and continual emotional turmoil.

But I know that I would not be pleasing the Lord or Jane if I were to give up trying to live in an honourable and engaging way. So I press on towards the goal which ultimately has to be the reward of hearing the Lord say ‘well done good and faithful servant!’ I don’t feel like I’m serving anyone at the moment though. I know my family need me so I want to be strong for them but days like today I just struggle so much. They’ve lost their mum and that has to be pretty rubbish, so it’s not right for dad to hide himself away in his own pity-party. It’s hard though… I’ve had enough of living like this, but it’s not the sort of thing you can just snap yourself out of. Distractions help but they’re only a temporary remedy I really need something positive to engage with in an ongoing way to start rebuilding my life in a completely new direction. But what? I have no idea how to even start. I need the Lord to intervene and turn things around as I’m facing the wrong direction at the moment… looking back and not forwards. I certainly could do with some encouragement though, and I keep placing myself into a Spiritual environment with the hope of a word from heaven. I’d love the Lord to touch my heart with heavenly fire to burn up all the rubbish that I’ve allowed in and release me into fresh vision that I can step into. But it’s so tempting to hope for a conversation or phone call or e-mail or even an old fashioned letter to change the pathway that I’m on!

It wasn’t particularly easy even at church this morning when the meeting leader innocently said that he was sure we were all really looking forward to Christmas. I’m not. I just feel the most intense pain at the thought of this special time without Jane. We spent too many years planning, shopping, decorating the house and all the rest of it as a couple with a lovely family to enjoy. And now I’m on my own and it’s horrible. Oh yes I still have the marvellous supportive family, I won’t ever be truly alone but it’s just that my heart is broken and there’s no quick fix. I suppose it will always be at least a bit broken but as I‘ve said before God has given us all big hearts, there’s plenty of capacity to love again. Maybe or maybe not marital love, that’s in the Lord’s hands as I can’t imagine ever going looking and it would have to come to me, which would take a miracle, though not an unwelcome one as I loved being married. But certainly the Lord has loved me so very much and I have to share his loving kindness with as many as will receive it. He truly is good news and it warms my heart just by saying it…

This evening I visited Trent Vineyard, a church in Nottingham and whilst there I got caught up with a delightful glimpse of heaven. And though I can’t claim it to be anything more than my imagination it was nonetheless very moving so who knows. Anyway it made me feel good about life again. I saw Jane, in heaven, seated with a prime view of a beautiful waterfall similar to those we’ve visited in the English Lake District... only more heavenly as it were! And she had a drawing board on her lap preparing to create yet one more work of art. She was choosing to be all alone and thinking about me. And yet whilst all in heaven embrace perfect peace, drawing strength from  the joy that only comes from complete confidence in the wonderful future that lies ahead, she was still somehow able to engage with the depths of sadness that envelop my very being. And she was praying for me…

Psalm 34:18 ‘The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.’ (NLT)

No comments: