Sunday, December 18, 2011

18th December

Yes it’s been a busy day. And I was so tempted to turn out this evening for our church Christmas event, before deciding it would not be wise. But I’ve already been to two meetings today and really that’s more than enough, especially when I worked quite hard in one of them. Yes it was the Christmas CafĂ© thing in Kilburn village hall and I had responsibility for the music. Which basically means more carol singing, but that’s fine by me and I did enjoy constructing some nice folk music style arrangements on my guitar. I’m well rusty in leading meetings as I’ve not done much for so many years and it’s reassuring to know I can still make it happen as I love doing it. It makes me feel useful and is a perfect distraction from the world of tears that I normally live in.

This morning was another story. Again a church meeting, but this time I was not involved in leading and ended up seated on the back row. We normally have two Sunday morning meetings but just for this week we all met together and it was very full. Every time I join the congregation there I seem to get really upset. I can’t stop thinking about Jane and the time we were together there. It’s incredibly painful meeting her friends, sitting alongside so many married couples, remembering the time we sang in the Christmas choir together and trying to be brave. And I can’t get used to going to church on my own, I’ve always had family with me. Indeed for quite a few years, before the days of people carriers, we’d have to shuttle up to eight of us in two car journeys just to get to the meeting. Family Sunday lunches were always splendidly busy affairs. Today I had baked beans on toast because I couldn’t be bothered to cook. And I felt horribly lonely again. Bereavement sucks!

Tomorrows another day… this can’t last forever, can it?

Ephesians 5:19 ‘Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord’ (NIV)

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