16th January

I found this field of frozen grass at Kedleston and thought it rather weird, almost like an alien landscape. And despite the numerous occasions I’ve walked there it’s certainly never looked quite like this. Kind of reminds me of Star Trek Tribbles, so there I go showing my age and sci-fi geekiness again… I don’t care. I’ve had an alright sort of day, doing the stretching, reaching awkwardly thing whilst fitting a new bathroom blind. Funny how when you get just a little older everything starts to ache when doing something a little different. But that only prompts me to get organised enough to start swimming more regularly. I am determined to remain as fit and strong as I can for as long as I can. Neither middle age nor ill health has any claim upon my life. A friend of mine called today and we spent a happy hour or so discussing all manner of things. The point is though, that he is now aged 70 and he called around after going swimming. He managed his normal 40 lengths! I could probably just about manage that at a push, but it would be rather slow to say the least. But I am playing catch up I suppose after the immobility of the past year or two looking after Jane and living with my own ill health. In general terms I reckon I’m at least managing to stabilise my M.E. symptoms and probably gaining a slight improvement. And that’s remarkable at this time of year. So I’m encouraged, but a long way to go yet.

I feel like an alien. I really don’t have any sense of belonging any more. And that’s not good; I guess I became too dependent upon Jane and her supportive companionship in every area of my life. She sacrificed an early career in order to personally raise our young children and yet at the same time was wonderfully supportive of all my activities. Both at work and in the church. For many years I was involved with music and that was not just time consuming for me, it also left her looking after the children on her own. So while I hid behind a microphone she handled a far more complex challenge. She was ace! And now she’s gone, and the kids are all grown up, and I do very little music… and my life feels empty of purpose and devoid of creativity. Motivation to continue sometimes sinks despite stubborn determination to persevere. Somehow I have to regain vigour and refresh my day to day living. At the moment every day looks the same. Empty. I need to see things differently, and basically keep my eyes upon the work of God. That’s easier said than done, but in reality it’s all I have… and it’s all I need. I do struggle a little when looking ahead, although I live with hope and that hope is firmly based upon my faith journey. And that faith journey has proven true over several decades now. I do need fresh vision for my life despite the dreams that still stand before me. Somehow I need to start stepping into the physical reality of aspiration. At the moment though I need to focus more upon today rather than being concerned about the unfolding of tomorrow.

2 Corinthians 5:1-4 ‘For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies. While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life.’ (NLT)