Thursday, January 19, 2012

19th January

I feel quite exhausted. Yes I’ve been busy to and from hospital all day, ferrying my mum, which has been sort of ok but leaves me with little space to switch off. The hospital environment is quite stressful and although I don’t feel particularly upset being there, it’s still rather draining. Being the main city hospital there are always going to be some interesting if not downright difficult characters floating around. So that meant conversing with the guy, who had mental health problems, when he showed us the wounds caused by self-harm. And another who misunderstood something I said to my elderly and very frail mum, when she offered to use the stairs whilst we were waiting for the lift, and then he almost attacked us. So it’s a good job a gentle word turns away wrath! But it’s sad how some people live. I remember last year, when Jane spent time there, at one stage there was a uniformed police presence for a couple of days just along the ward. We are so privileged to have a ‘normal’ law abiding and mentally healthy family. But I did find exposure to ‘the world’ instructive, as it reminds me that I’m not really ready to face up to even the briefest of stressful situations just yet. I still need time out to heal. I’d love to start reaching out to the needy and engaging in some way to try and help them, but not just yet. I’m still a little broken and need some nice gentle things to relax with.

I’m also aware, at least in the back of my mind that tomorrow is Jane’s birthday. A day to celebrate her birth, but I’ve no idea what to do with the day. I thought of travelling but then my dad was hospitalised and it feels right to be around to offer practical support for my mum. She bought me a plant to remember Jane on the day, which was thoughtful. Anyway tomorrow will come and we’ll see how I feel then. I wonder if they celebrate birthdays in heaven, bake a cake, light some candles and all the rest of it. Probably not, as there’ll be folk there who are several thousand years old, not just 90 (Hey… it’s one of the few cake pics I have!) and that would mean quite a bonfire on top of a cake wouldn’t it? But there’ll lots of excuses for parties I’m sure. If nothing else all who enter heaven will be received with a celebratory welcome surely. And I just heard a lovely but sad story about my grandmother who passed away in the early 1960’s. I can’t really remember her to be honest. Anyway, apparently her best friend died around the same time as she did… maybe that provided particularly good company for one another in the hereafter? I’d love to be keeping Jane company right now, exploring the wonders of heaven. Problem is I’ve not finished running my own race here on earth just yet. There’s still a lot of living and a lot of loving to be done and hopefully I can introduce a few more to the only one who can unlock the entrance to heaven itself… Jesus Christ.

Probably it’s just because I’m so tired that today I’ve begun to feel just slightly tearful again. And that’s the first time in well over a week which is really encouraging. I’m moving on in my grief journey for sure. No tears for about ten days I reckon and that is absolutely amazing! I’m getting there… wherever there is.

John 14:6 ‘Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.’ (NLT)

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