Wednesday, January 18, 2012

18th January

Well then, that felt like a busy day though I’ve not really done that much. Basically I’ve been a taxi service getting my mum to and from the two sets of hospital visiting hours, as she really wanted to be with my dad for both sessions. Quite sweet really, but then they’ve been married for 62 years and it must be strange to be separated even for a few days. I know exactly how they feel… coming home to an empty house, cooking for one, sleeping in a king-sized bed all alone. I've not felt this cold at night since I was 21… that’s partly my own doing as I like to have a window open, which is now allowed cause there’s no-one to stop me!  But it’s the loneliness that gets me more than anything. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to share dreams with. Nobody to make plans alongside. Ah well, truth be told if I didn’t actually feel relatively cheerful I’d say that’s a bout of the ‘poor old me’ coming on. I’m just having a little moan really. Anyway my dad seems to be doing alright. I quizzed one of the nurses to find out what happened with his op yesterday as my parents were a little concerned, thinking he’d need a second procedure. Apparently the surgeon couldn't find the small gallstone originally seen as the problem, but what my parents didn't know was that there and then they’d fitted a stent to widen the narrowing tube. So hopefully a scan and the sample taken for testing will confirm everything’s now sorted and he might be home for the weekend. I don’t know the details but whilst my dad was safely ensconced in a 3rd floor ward, one of my sisters was accompanying her husband for an appointment elsewhere in the hospital. They both have long term history of fighting their own cancer battles. Today it was my brother-in-law’s turn to walk into that particular fiery furnace. All I know is that he’s not been at all well for some time now and that’s not good. Cancer is evil.

It’s odd really how I can feel quite joyful despite the challenges of life. Of course I’m well used to suffering the pain of loss and really know what it feels like to get upset but despite everything there’s still something deep inside of me that remains not just at peace with life but at times just plain happy. That only makes sense knowing that I have the presence of God within me, and he is the author of peace and joy and hope and love wherever I find myself. He sets purpose before me when I feel like giving up. He grants the strength to rise up when I fall down. And he provokes change when I begin to settle. The Lord is everything to me and I would live no other way. Only in him can my life make any sense all. I have eternity set in my heart so whatever the trials of this world I know that my future destination is totally secure.

So my picture today is obviously taken from my usual walk at Kedleston and the tree looks completely barren in it’s winter dormancy of course. Yet the late afternoon sky is still a lovely clear blue, with the sun shining brightly and not a cloud in sight. My life may seem rather barren at the moment with very little sign of new growth. This is for sure a ‘winter’ season for me. And still the Lord shines as brightly for me as ever. I know that he is watching over me and his favour is towards me. So despite the unchanging nature of my everyday life I am completely confident that the Lord has plans for me, I have destiny and purpose set firmly in my heart. Sometimes it feels like it will take an eternity for the conviction in my heart to reach out and grant understanding with head knowledge. But that’s just my impatience. The Lord’s timing is not the same as mine. But the work of God is far more certain than any of my good intentions. And fulfilling that is my destiny and true purpose. Roll on spring and new growth!

Ecclesiastes 3:1 ‘For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.’ (NLT)

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