Friday, January 20, 2012

20th January

Well that was a mistake. I allowed myself to remember Jane by sorting through my photo collection. The plan was to put together some pics which could help me to see her as she is in the reality of heaven. That will have to wait as this is as far as I got before breaking down completely. Yes, I’m really not ready to look back without getting seriously upset. The pain is unbearable, the emptiness completely unapproachable and now I've made myself ill again with a Chronic Fatigue Syndrome relapse. Chest pains are not far away either and they are simply not allowed. I feel really grotty. And that’s not the right way to ‘celebrate’ Jane’s birthday. I have plenty of experience in dealing with my illness, so a day or two of complete rest should see me back to ‘normal’. I need to relax with some nice things in my life. I suppose the lesson is quite clear though… I have to move on, I cannot live in the past. I must take a hold of the new, whatever that is and actually almost anything has to be better than the suffering of today. I will become a different and changed man and then maybe I can look back with pleasure and not the tears which lead to illness.

Anyway just to cover the ground... my photo is of Jane looking over the White Cliffs of Dover just a couple of years ago. Right now I guess she has a far more wonderful view of the splendours of heaven. And I can no longer see her face, even though I know she’s waiting there… remembering and praying for those left behind. And now I’ve given myself a headache it’s so sad.

I’ve spent a final day back and forth from the hospital again, and that has also begun to become rather a strain. Spending such a lot of time there this week is taking it’s own toll on me; but the good news is that I made one final visit this evening simply to take my dad home. And one of my sister’s turned up shortly afterwards to keep them company, so all’s well there, hopefully for the foreseeable future. It’s sure taken it out of my mum though and at 82 I think she’s ready for a good sit down with a cup of tea. My dad was so frustrated once they got him feeling better that for the past day he’s looked almost ready to do a runner… whatever the doctor said!

Hebrews 12:12-13 ‘So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong.’ (NLT)

No comments: