Tuesday, January 03, 2012

3rd January

I was pleasantly surprised today, as I got my car back. And yes it was a dysfunctional fuel pump and after driving for over forty years I cannot recall that particular problem ever occurring before. Apparently the replacement cost of the pump was quite exorbitant so my wonderfully considerate garage (owned by my brother-in-law) simply affected a repair to the corroded connectors, so that was good news as well. My daughter’s car is still stranded, but at least I’ve helped them to gain entry to the vehicle glove box where the manufacturer’s key card was kept, and they can now order a replacement key. And 24 hours late we all got to watch a movie and eat together so perseverance won the day again… as did Captain James T Kirk in the fairly recent Star Trek prequel. Some movies are good enough to watch half a dozen times aren’t they?

I guess it’s way more than half a dozen times that I think on Jane every single day. I’m still feeling relatively ok, despite a few tears this morning, but quite regularly I have to wrench myself away from living as if Jane were still here. So a few minutes ago I stood at our my back door calling Jane’s my cat in as he’s far too old to stay out all night at this time of year. So there I was calling and calling remembering how easily Jane persuaded him to respond, and after a few minutes I gave up. I closed the door and nearly tripped over him as somehow he’d snuck by me without being seen. And he seemed to have a delightfully puzzled look on his face as if wondering why I was still calling down the garden when he was already indoors. My thoughts instinctively suggested that Jane would be smiling at that particular trick; cats are far cleverer than they seem. I loved to make Jane smile and although that was always so very easy it was still pretty much my life’s mission. But I have to stop continually trying to make Jane happy by doing things that would have pleased her. I can get no gratitude and it’s pointless thinking that she’s on some celestial cloud focussing her supernatural vision upon the minutiae of my life. Yes I will always honour her memory with the greatest respect, and yes I do believe that somewhere in the future of eternity we’ll be together again; but today she’s busy doing stuff in heaven, thinking on me for sure but no way can we connect so forget that one. And I have a life to live on earth which still has to change in a big way. The past was good, but it’s gone forever and can never be recaptured. I don’t want to even try and duplicate any of it, the plan has to be a brand new start.

Hence the acorn, and at the right time you’ll find a single tree grows many of them and they’re almost all capable of starting a new life. But I guess only the odd one will end up with the right conditions to take root and even fewer become a mighty oak themselves. At the moment I have a whole bunch of seed thoughts, ideas about where I might begin to effect change in my life. And sitting an acorn beside a mature oak tree it’s almost impossible to imagine how the one can become the other. It’s all about the right environment and timing. So some of my ideas cannot possible come to fruition, but maybe one or two might take root and that’s enough for now. But as I feel no clear direction all I can really do is keep all my options open and take advantage of as many opportunities as present themselves. I own a Jim Carrey movie called Yes Man and though I wouldn’t say it was the most memorable of movies – I can’t recall much of the plot at all – the principle behind the story is very simple. The main character was somewhat depressed, and the ‘simple’ step of strictly complying and saying yes to every single suggestion or request put across his path completely revolutionised his life. In a much more ‘sensible’ way I’ve been trying to do the same. If I can say yes I will… unless it’s the door to door double glazing man or telesales with one more ‘I’m not trying to sell anything’, or a Facebook ad delivering spam or whatever! Let’s see what happens next.

Isaiah 30:21 ‘Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say, “This is the way you should go,” whether to the right or to the left.’ (NLT)

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