Monday, January 23, 2012

23rd January

All I can do is sit it out. Wait for strength to rise up again. Yes today was pretty much a non-event, as I battled to survive the total disablement caused by Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Hope of recovery and even complete healing remains but that’s about all it is… just a hope. I need to stir faith, I need to reach out to the Lord and trust afresh in him. But today I feel terrible, weak, slightly dizzy and completely shattered. Oh yes, the aches and pains are there as well. Just like having a heavy dose of flu, except I don’t. And it’s so easy to start feeling down which is not a good plan. I cannot allow the wonderful memories I have of Jane to pull me into sadness… in 1972 we went to a friend’s birthday party held at the nearby Rowing Club, and in due course we went for a romantic moonlit stroll along the river bank… it was then that I first told Jane that I loved her. Not too many months later we were sat in my A35 van outside her parent’s house… and it was then that we first discussed marriage and I determined to go speak with her father about it. Ah, it was such a nice time of life. I’ve never been happier. But I have to believe that the Lord still has a plan for me. A new plan, filled with joy and strength and vitality and youthful vigour and basically complete fulfilment. But in the meantime I’m struggling to do anything. I woke this morning, feeling quite shattered as usual, but determination suggested that a relaxing paddle up and down a few lengths at the swimming baths would soon sort me out. I made it to the bathroom and found that simply brushing my teeth left me feeling very wobbly and needing a sit down. So no swimming. Ok, a shower then, that’ll liven me up. And to some extent it did, so off the back of that I’ve survived a completely restful though rather frustrating day. For most of it I’ve been horizontal on my settee!

Actually I’ve been engaging in the most important thing I could ever do. Meaning of life stuff… yes I’ve spent much of the day in worship. Yes I know what you’re thinking… but I kept the background music playing most of the day, even if I was reading sci-fi on my Kindle and playing Skyrim on the X-Box! Specifically I was listening to an old Michael Smith album I found on internet radio. I’m not so keen on his latest work including an orchestral album; but there’s something about very familiar old songs recorded in an atmosphere of worship that so easily opens my heart to the Lord. At times it felt like the person of God was with me in my living room, and that’s a serious privilege for sure. And when I looked a little closer I discovered the album had been recorded in Lakeland, Florida about ten years ago. So that brought back more recent memories of an adventure Jane and I went on, as we visited the Lakeland Revival in 2008. That was for sure a highly controversial event, but to be honest I had a great experience and met some of the kindest and most caring folk you could ever want to meet. The brand new hire car we chose looked great fun, though in reality the only good thing about it was the air con! Anyway, I just love the presence of the Lord and his peace is incredible. I know my life today and every day is totally secure in him… all I have to do is walk into it.

John 14:27 ‘I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.’ (NLT)

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