Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Digging For Gold

I have determined that my best days lie ahead, in this world and the next. A challenge ‘cause in so many ways my life has already been wonderful, though marred with some pretty serious hurdles… yeah, dealing with long term ill health and bereavement is always gonna be tough. But no matter, my God is greater than any difficulty set before me and in him I have absolute confidence; walking through palliative care with my once teenage sweetheart would have been soul destroying without the Lord! Change is not exactly easy though and adjusting to my new reality, after almost 40 years in a relationship, is always going to be at least a little confusing. There’s no guide book that I’ve come across to explain how to live as a middle aged widower. It really is not at all easy relating to my previous peer group, who are basically all married and enjoying their own long term relationships. Without exception they are all incredibly caring, supportive and all the rest of it. It’s just that they are married and I’m not, that’s all. A continual reminder of what I have lost. I really need a new way of seeing things, a new vision for life and hopefully new friends to share that journey with me. As I say though, I don’t have a guide book, so it’s make it up as you go along time for Dave.

My picture taken on a recent visit to my favourite beach, in Deal, demonstrates the unsightly brute force needed to provide effective sea-defences. Transporting many thousands of tons of shingle from the Isle of Wight, and rock from Norway, was quite an undertaking. The process was ugly in the happening to say the least, but necessary. Changing the profile of a mile long beach was for sure quite a task, but without this work the whole town lived with the risk of severe flooding. I have to change my profile. Yeah no way can I stand still, living with the ever present threat of my own flood of tears! Ongoing grief is disturbing my health, which in turn affects my freedom to ‘get out there’ and meet new people. I missed a great evening a week or so ago when my daughter performed her own songs, as a supporting act, at the Malt Cross in Nottingham. I was so disappointed not to have been well enough, hopefully next time though as she’s been invited back! Yeh, that’s my little incentive to start digging for gold again. And I’ve been reminded of a simple technique to side step grief… if I allow myself to think on Jane and ‘remember’ stuff I pretty much always get upset. That’s healthy, but only up to a point ‘cause I reckon it’s time to move on. I’ve cried myself silly for almost 18 months. That’s enough! All I have to do now is stop thinking about Jane, not easy when love was so fulfilled, and I almost feel guilty about turning aside from my so very faithful wife. I protected my marriage with the fiercest determination and struggle to let it go now. Of course it’s totally wrong to think and live like that now; our love is destined to last through eternity and I’m not in that place just yet. Got to get tough with my thinking, I have to lock such thoughts away or I’ll become trapped in the past, living with only hope for the future… and no love for today. Yes my God is a God of love… he can fill my heart with a joyful love of life, a caring love for others and who knows what else?

I guess the best way to change is by more fully engaging with the present whilst walking into my wonderful unexplored future. So methinks if I were to practice guitar, and song write a little more, maybe I could get to play at some of these great venues… not really one of my better ideas, but who knows, and the village hall is excitement enough for now!

1 John 4:8 But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.’ (NLT)

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