18th September

Another challenging day, a real downer. The pain of loss is immense and I’ve never cried this much before; but I’m glad I came away as I have to work this out somehow. And being alone with the Lord is what I need right now. I tried visiting a local church this morning but struggled to connect... I suppose I’m too focussed upon my own needs. But the sun shone for most of the day which was most welcome and I was able to go sit on the beach and gaze across the English Channel, dreaming of another life I once lived. I remember one evening a couple of years ago watching the distant French coast light up with a whole chain of fireworks on Bastille Day. Today I could make out the cliffs where Jane and I walked whilst waiting for the return ferry. We had quite a few adventures driving across France and a return visit to Paris was high on our list of must do’s. As an artist Jane really wanted to experience the lavender fields of Provence in early summer… she never did, though she did paint sunflowers growing in the vast French farms elsewhere. Last year, within walking distant of the campsite I’m now on, she had us chasing up and down the lanes trying to catch the light on a field with a scattering of poppies in one corner. We missed it unfortunately and it would have made a great painting I’m sure. I usually have my camera at the ready but unlike Jane I tend to wait for the shots to come to me rather than chasing after them and I miss the thrill of that hunt…

I miss far more than that though. I’m struggling to stay positive and it seems as though my whole life has come to an end. In one sense I reckon it has, but somehow I have to press into the future which is so very hard to even think about right now. Everything feels rather pointless, there’s nothing I really want anymore; and I don’t feel as though I’m needed by anyone other than my immediate family. I feel pretty useless in this state. I will sort myself out I know, but right now I need God to help me… and he will for sure because he always does when I ask him.

Cognitively and in my spirit I know that the way I’m feeling is totally wrong, it’s a deception and a diversion from God given purpose. I know that God has a plan for my life; I know that I will prevail with his help and I know the world is filled with needy people who need what I have to offer. At the right time I will engage and go do and all will be well again. But not today, as my emotions seem to be overruling common sense and I’m pretty wound up with grief. I’ve never done this before and never want to again so I don’t know the ‘rules’ of what’s ok and what isn’t. I can only tell it like it is. Emotions are a gift from God and whilst I refuse to allow them to control me, I will give myself permission to express them at this difficult time… it felt good finding the quiet spot on the beach where we’d scattered Jane’s ashes in the sea and I let the tears flow quite freely.

Job 27:11-12 ‘I will teach you about the power of God; the ways of the Almighty I will not conceal. You have all seen this yourselves. Why then this meaningless talk?’ (NIV)