29th September

Well today has been a scorcher. Most unexpected but none the less very welcome weather at the end of September.  So I managed my walk around Kedleston Hall again today, although I have to admit I struggled a little physically even though in general terms I'm much fitter and stronger than I was a couple of months ago. But I am really fed up with M.E. and for sure it’s time I got better, I’ve got enough on my plate without feeling so ill all the time. But I’m trying to ignore it and carry on as best as I can and the biggest problem I suppose would be relating to people in anything like a stressful environment. So I chill – yes even with the weather today – and get out in the open air lapping up the sunshine… I love it.

Here and there around the estate there were sheep and birds sheltering from the sun underneath trees, and that got me thinking. When the heats turned up we all need to find shelter. And I’m finding this period of my life is way too hot, the fire of grief is burning into every part of every day, there’s no getting away from it. Today was quite typical, and saw me once again fighting the battle against tears as they keep exploding from deep within. And I’ve had enough of them. This is no way too live. I have to move on I know, but how? It seems almost impossible when emotions are so high… I really need to find shelter. But where do I find a ‘tree’ suitable as a shield against extreme grief?

There’s one good thing at the moment and that is that I’ve spent more time on my knees crying out to God than ever before. There’s something about adopting a posture of abasement which is a little uncomfortable. It’s not normal to kneel before someone; it makes you feel quite vulnerable if not a little silly. It’s not something I’ve ever done much before, aside from the few minutes of prayer on the quite rare occasions I’ve been to an Anglican or Catholic Church. For me it’s a bit of a lost art. The contemporary church meetings I’m used to encourage us to worship freely without constraint or conformity and whilst that includes kneeling it’s still relatively rare. Anyway today I need God, and I spend time on my knees before his throne of grace and mercy. You see, that’s my chosen shelter… I choose God. I will seek him with my whole being, I will pray without ceasing, I will give thanks and I will praise him with my every breath.

Revelation 7:15 ‘And he who sits on the throne will give them shelter.’ (NLT)