Sunday, July 17, 2011

17th July

It’s been a particularly challenging weekend. Here’s me thinking that the worst is over and all of a sudden the waves of grief come crashing in and I really wasn’t expecting that. My eyes are permanently stinging from crying so much. And I’ve had such a severe headache for a couple of days that ordinary painkillers are not touching it. I need to get out of the house for a long walk but the weather's not outdoor friendly and I feel really ill with M.E. anyway. I’m bored, stressed and very tired, but I remain determined to walk through this and work things through. I will honour the Lord no matter what grotty feelings seek to take a hold of me and I know that my life is firmly held in the grip of his hand.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Jane… obviously. I keep being reminded of so many things we did together, of the life we lived and of who she was. I lived with her smiles for 40 years, we were always incredibly happy together. I think of all the things we enjoyed doing together, I think of all the unfinished plans she was making right until the end and the dreams we shared of a different life now the children were all grown up. This was the woman I loved and this is how I remember her and this is how I continue to see her every hour of every day.

And that’s not quite right.

Yesterday we shared a life together, today we can’t. Yesterday Jane had unfulfilled plans to work out, today she doesn’t. Yesterday she had dreams of a different future, today she’s living in the reality of the most perfect future. So how do I think of Jane today, as she was or as she is? Am I sad because we’re no longer together? Massively, but it should only be for me… not for her. I often remember the conversations we had when we cried out to God asking that we would not be separated. We so dearly wanted to be together when the Lord returned. But am I sad for Jane… our separation, her unfinished plans and her unfulfilled dreams. Only when I’m not thinking straight! Today Jane sheds no tears as she is comforted by our perfect Father in heaven and he has wiped them all away. And her unfulfilled earthly plans and dreams are totally irrelevant to the heavenly life she now enjoys with perfect love, joy and peace.

Today I feel very lonely and horribly sad. But I know that my best friend Jesus is not just there for me, he’s praying for me with perfect prayers and he’s carrying me through this season of tears. I keep falling over and he keeps picking me up. He has a new plan for my life and at the right time will give me a new dream and a pathway to walk down. It’ll have to wait a while though as I can’t think or even see properly with all this crying.

Romans 8:34 ‘Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honour at God’s right hand, pleading for us.’ (NLT)

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