Friday, July 01, 2011

1st July

My feet hurt. A few months ago I struggled to walk very far at all, indeed some days I could hardly climb my stairs. But today I’ve walked miles, and I’m not used to it so my legs are aching and my feet are sore. The sunshine is wonderful and that always does me good but my head has not cleared of the M.E. bran fog at all. I guess that’s down to stress which left me unable to sleep last night and I feel shattered. Some holiday this is! But I’ve come to the conclusion that I still really enjoy exactly the same things I always have and that not having Jane by my side is a separate issue altogether. I would miss her massively whatever I was doing or not doing… my heart is broken and needs mending. And only the Lord can do that, perhaps with the help of a little time. So right now I’m listening to the wood-pigeons cooing, or whatever they call it, and a little robin was just sat about 10 feet from my motorhome window and it’s wonderfully peaceful. I enjoy camping.

Earlier I did the outlet store thing in Dover that Jane and I always did, but that wasn’t the same at all and I couldn’t face sitting in the little cafĂ© for a coffee on my own. So I went a walk through the town centre which I have to say feels rather run down in common with other small towns in this area. So many large buildings are now boarded up and unoccupied which is a shame. I went and sat in a church to pray, had a little cry and pressed on. I have to say that making a picnic sandwich for one was not the highlight of the day either. But I’m not really looking for company as I know I could be surrounded by the most engaging and caring people quite regularly and very easily… I just miss Jane. My heart is full of love for her and I don’t know what to do. I know I’m not alone and that marital bereavement must affect one or the other partner of nearly all who marry, but it still hurts.

I went a long walk this afternoon along the beach. Listening to the sea and thinking things through I started thinking of all those others who suffer in the same way as me. It struck me how many single often quite elderly people were out walking their dogs and I wondered how many of them understood exactly how I was feeling. The seafront is lined with benches most affixed with a message remembering the passing of a loved one. One had flowers fixed to it with a father’s day card and when I walked past it a second time a lady was simply sat there presumably remembering…

I started out the day thinking I need help; I need someone to care for me and look after me. And now I’ve finished the day thinking about all those poor souls who grieve and are really alone in a way that I will never be. They need help.

Deuteronomy 31:8 ‘The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.’ (NIV)

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