Wednesday, July 06, 2011

6th July

I didn’t realise how exhausted I am until today. This morning I drove to nearby Margate thinking I might visit the new Turner Art Gallery, but the traffic turned out to be far too busy and by the time I got there I was feeling really tired. So all I really wanted to do was go back to the campsite and listen to the bird’s singing so that’s more or less what I did. I need the peace and quiet of a tranquil environment to recover my strength and unpack my thoughts at the moment… I can’t be doing with being busy at all. So now I feel too tired to even go for a walk and have settled for playing my guitar, listening to my MP3 player and reading to pass the day.

So today I’ve had time to think about my life and where I am at again. I’m sure it’ll be on my agenda for a long while but nonetheless like most men when I see a problem I feel I have to find a way to fix it. The problem I’ve been thinking is that for almost 40 years I was with Jane mostly as a married man. Today I am single but don’t feel it, indeed I’m not really sure what it means to be single as a widower. Last time I was 19 years old and I can’t suddenly become a teenager again with all that that entails. I still feel married but I know I’m not… so how do I become single?

I know I have to journey through a season of mourning for however long that takes and that is the way of saying goodbye to Jane and letting go of the life I’ve lived and thoroughly enjoyed for so long. I know I cannot have that life again as Jane is gone and she’s not coming back anytime soon, so I have to let go not just of Jane but of the life I shared with her in our marriage. My immediate future does not include Jane and I can no longer share it with her as if she were with me. Memories are a treasure from God that live in the past and are fixed… there will be no more in this life, so now I’m dripping tears all over my laptop again.

There are many things I will need to start doing that I’ve never done before. Decisions will need to be made outside of the boundaries of marriage which I need to start giving myself permission to make. I’ve already begun with some decorating at home without asking anyone and now I’ve come on holiday for the first time ever on my own, going where I want, when I want for as long as I want. I find it really hard not giving preference to someone else because there is no-one else. And that provokes a really big question to even dare to ask myself in my journey to becoming single. Could I ever love another woman? I can’t even begin to imagine that happening I must admit especially as I still feel married but as a single person it would be allowed… and loneliness is pretty horrid. But during this break on my own I’ve begun to learn how to enjoy my own company so maybe the freedom of being single could grow on me. Anyway the bigger question is really whether another woman could ever love me. I cannot conceive of anyone having the patience and forbearance that Jane needed to cope with me so the whole question is academic anyway though it’s an interesting and quite diverting question. One of many…

1 Corinthians 7:32 ‘I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. (NLT)

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