Monday, July 04, 2011

4th July

I’ve quite enjoyed today, the weather’s been wonderful again and I’ve been outdoors for hours soaking up the sunshine and topping up the vitamin D which seems to do me good. I managed a nice walk along the base of the famous white cliffs just north of Deal where there is an old army firing range which was pretty much deserted apart from the birds. I’ve no idea what they all are but it’s nice to see them and the world feels very peaceful so I’m beginning to relax at last.

This afternoon I met some people from the local church again and came away feeling really encouraged. More than that I feel a renewal of hope has come my way, the dark tunnel I walk may still be long but there is certainly a light at the end of it. I got to spend some time with a mental-health professional working from a Christian perspective and he helped me understand, practically, the nature of loss and the process of grief which needs to be gone through. And I can get through it, I know, which is reassuring as it sometimes feels as though my heart is so broken that I could remain trapped in this limbo of grief forever. Just knowing that many of the thoughts I have, and much of how I’m feeling, is completely normal is in one sense obvious but simply to have that confirmed is quite comforting. Especially when I can see just a little more clearly the pathway I need to take in order to move on in my life. But I’m in no rush to leave the place I’m in emotionally just yet as I am determined to grieve to completion the loss of my soul-mate, my lover my beautiful bride Jane.

I guess some tears will be shed for the rest of my life but the initial rawness and shock of loss has to heal and I am determined to walk this walk for as long as it takes. I will not carry baggage into whatever the future has for me. I have no regrets or complaints about Jane leaving me as she deserves to be at peace with the Lord after all she has suffered. Indeed I remain completely grateful for the lifetime of memories I now treasure and I know that I have eternity set quite clearly in my heart which certainly includes a re-uniting with Jane and plenty of catch-up time. But that’s gonna have to wait as I’ve got stuff to do and a life still to be lived… one day at a time.

Hebrews 4:7 ‘So God set another time for entering his rest, and that time is today.’ (NLT)

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