Saturday, July 09, 2011

9th July

I have no idea what it signifies but today has been remarkably different from every other day since I lost Jane. I have yet to cry and it’s not that I’m trying not to; I just haven’t felt upset at all, not yet anyway. I still feel tired, though a little stronger compared with yesterday which is good as I’m planning on returning home in a couple of days and it’s a very long drive. So again, today I’ve done very little and that feels good, more reading, a little food shopping and F1 qualifying on the TV. Is this a perfect holiday or what? I could do all of these things at home but I really needed to be away to work things through by myself and it feels good. It’s really encouraging just knowing I can do something so ‘normal’ as having a holiday, on my own without support from friends or family and still enjoy myself. And in 3 weeks I will be back here with all my children and grandchildren to do it all again… only very differently I’m sure as we bring Jane’s ashes to scatter in the sea. But my grand-children will probably want a knickerbocker-glory and a paddle so we’ll have fun as we remember Jane and her treats as well…. oops now I’m almost crying!  

I had a very weird and rather horrible experience today whilst shopping; I’ve experienced it before but not for many, many years and it caught me by surprise. I’d just been through the tills and was carrying my bags out thinking of nothing in particular, simply navigating my way through a small crowd of people when a very strange feeling came over me. It lasted barely a couple of seconds but it was as though a cold fear chilled my very soul, I felt totally alone and God was no longer with me. On reflection now I suspect that I had unconsciously sensed something of what another person was living with as I passed by but I’ve obviously no idea who and that’s a bit sad. I can remember living with something similar when I was a teenager and beginning to recognise and understand my own mortality, though it was only really in the darkness of night when I was all alone and trying to sleep that I was forced to face such fears; but they were very real at the time. I was always quite depressed until I met Jane. I suppose such fear when it takes a real hold is often demonically inspired but whilst not walking with the Lord we have no way of determining it’s real root or properly dealing with it. Distraction with worldly pleasures and keeping busy was my only recourse at the time.

It’s so easy to take the peace of God for granted and forget what it was like to live without his presence permanently accompanying me wherever I go. I have absolutely no fear of death and no doubts about Jane’s presence with the Lord. My heart is filled with gratitude for the gift from God that Jane was to me; and his word, the Bible, has given understanding of my destiny of an eternity with him… and Jane. Today my mission in life is simply to respond to the Lord’s direction for my life as he speaks and leads me on. And I will do that with praise and thanksgiving whatever comes my way.

2 Peter 3:9 ‘The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.’ (NIV)

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