Trying to remain strong at all times is just asking too much, and I’ve determined to write this blog honestly. A little muddled maybe, but no false bravado. Of course, as a man of faith there is always an inner strength that enables perseverance through the greatest of obstacles. It’s just that sometimes the journey through bereavement, involves such an overwhelming sense of loss that succumbing to emotional numbness becomes an easy option. Today I feel pretty rubbish again, and quite stressed. I’m missing Jane so very much, but more than that I’m struggling to keep hold of hope for my future. It’s so easy to imagine the years unfolding with little change as I grow gradually older and, yes I’m feeling a little low again. That’s not good and somehow I have to resist these feelings. Only the Lord can help me I know, but if my faith journey is only a spiritual journey, with no practical outworking, then ultimately it has little relevance to the world we live in. And little value in my life. I need to see change, change in me and change in my circumstances. Whilst I understand that the bereavement journey involves ups and downs, that’s obvious, and whilst I can see a progression towards some sense of ‘normality’, I’m really impatient for a more substantial step change. And I still feel trapped in an ill health/bereavement circle where grief exacerbates Chronic Fatigue, which in turn inhibits any sense of wellbeing through normal activity. And such a cloistered life with resultant introspection simply heightens the sense of loss. I’m fed up with my own company. And I’m fed up with moaning…
Yes, I have so much to be grateful for, and truly I am so very thankful for the Lord for all that he has given me over so many years. Not all have been blessed in the way I have, with a fantastic marriage and a wonderful family. And although I do have a serious illness, it’s not life threatening and basically still allows me to do most things I would normally do. In moderation, that’s all. Little and often seems to work, and I even get through just about any household job I ever did. Not so keen on digging a veg patch any more maybe. But today I decided to tackle replacing the wall mounted fan-heater in my shower room. Wonder of wonders, the replacement used exactly the same fixing holes as my 15 year old broken one. A far cry from the plumbing convolutions repeatedly needed, when replacing my electric shower… 4 times in the same 15 years! And the small retailer even gave me an unexpected 10% discount. So today, truth be told has really been a day of favour. I have nothing to complain about. And neither does my dad. He was discharged from hospital early this morning after a successful and simple operation yesterday. Apparently he almost ran out of the place; don’t blame him, though he did rather leave my mum trailing in his wake, admittedly supported by my niece, so that was all right.
I suppose it’s all to do with how we see things. My photo was taken from the British Camp, the Iron Age hill fort near Malvern and maybe I’ll get somewhere near there again after the weekend. But when I look at this view I have a choice… do I focus upon the splendid vista and enjoy the beautiful sunshine? Or, do I consider the stretched muscles in the back of my legs and the initial steepness of the climb to the top? And I mustn’t overlook the somewhat distant cloud cover, threatening to overshadow the day either!
1 Samuel 16:7 ‘The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them.’ (NLT)
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