Sunday, April 01, 2012

1st April 2012

I’ve been away for only a few days and all of a sudden my garden has colour! Nothing like that which we planned a couple of years ago when we planted hundreds of bulbs, but nonetheless welcome and rather more than I expected just a few weeks ago. The whole thing is seriously uncared for at the moment as last year I just couldn’t face more than a few minutes walking down there. At times Jane and I almost lived in the garden and the memories were rather too strong to cope with. This year I’m hoping to get stuck in without having to fight such fierce emotions all the time. I’ve already had a first cut with my mower so that’s a good start, but even then I noticed my chimenea and the unused wood I’d gathered to burn in it. A glass of wine and a warm spring evening were all the excuses needed for Jane and I to stay late in the garden, huddling around it’s comforting glow, listening to the birdsong and watching the occasional bat flitting about. A perfect opportunity to dream and make plans for our future together…

Every dream I ever had included Jane, every plan I ever made was a shared plan. I still have a bit of a blind spot in that area. I don’t have anyone to talk things through with, in that way, anymore. So often a shared conversation would make clear the unclear, make certain the doubtful and bring forward the hesitant. We relied upon each other to support and encourage all that either of us did. Today, I’m learning how to make decisions in a totally new way, just relying upon my own judgement and my own preferences. I have no-one to please but myself. Or do I?

My few days away have brought a new focus upon my relationship with the Lord. I feel a prompt towards a deeper level of hearing and trusting his direction and also living continually in his presence. This coming year is key to the rest of my life. I have to rebuild certain foundations; and yes, of course I’ve always sought to have God as the starting point and central to every area, it’s just that I also relied upon Jane in so many ways. I can no longer do that, so basically I need more of God in my life and, for sure, that can never be a bad thing! So for a long time I served Jane in her time of greatest need and I know that pleased the Lord. That was his fulfilled call upon my life. Today I am still in recovery and I walk through bereavement with the accompanying emotional turmoil; but part of that recovery is a re-equipping to move on also in works of service. The Lord has invested a lot in my life as I served him in many ways over the years, so I’m asking him for opportunity to begin to use that gifting and experience once again. First though, I have to finish the race he sets before me today, by completing this season of bereavement. I can’t quite see the finishing line yet… but the start is much further back for sure. I’m making progress.

Acts 2:17 ‘In the last days,’ God says, ‘I will pour out my Spirit upon all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy. Your young men will see visions, and your old men will dream dreams.’ (NLT)

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