Wednesday, April 04, 2012

4th April 2012

I'm missing Jane. That’s what my problem is at the moment. And it’s making me ill, again. But it’s funny how feeling low, as I do at the moment, is actually very different from a full blown time of grieving, such as on the beach last week. On those occasions I allow the brokenness in my heart to pour out in an expression of unstoppable grief and I somehow feel fulfilled, ready to move on. Today I just feel grotty, as though hope of a new life is meaningless. That’s a nonsense I know, but it feels very real. Somehow I have to fight against these feelings as they can have no place in my life. I will not sink into a pit of depression. My life with Jane is to be treasured for the happy times we enjoyed together and the legacy of a wonderful family… yes my Loughborough daughter and family came to visit for the day and we had a really nice time. I’m very well fed and fully entertained by the grandchildren, but somehow even that was not enough to break the hold of negativity. Part of it though is because I really do feel very ill with M.E. and the vicious spiral of ill health and stress is always a challenge to break out of. I need to take my eyes of my present self, with a little escapism.

I remember a very special and treasured memory. A few years ago now, Jane visited New York as part of her University degree course and I managed to get a place as a ‘student helper'! Making sure the youngsters behaved themselves? No way, Jane and I cleared off up the Empire State Building to view an amazing nightscape; the Intrepid Aircraft Carrier was equally inspiring as was the ferry journey around the island, past the Statue of Liberty, before watching the sun go down in a quite spectacular way. But our emotions were really engaged when we visited Ground Zero and the site still being cleared after the twin Trade Towers were attacked. On the Sunday morning we visited Times Square Church and met with God in a quite unique way. Great! The National History Museum was just a little too much as we were exhausted after numerous student tours of Art Galleries, and Jane’s Art Therapy workshop at a college. Good job the students were well behaved by themselves though… but for me the highlight of the trip was a particularly romantic stop for coffee just around the corner from Macey’s. It was very early January, freezing cold and the Christmas lights were still adorning the trees, but the atmosphere was quite wonderful. I loved being with Jane and feel so privileged to have had so many special experiences with her as a companion.

God’s not done with me yet! I may no longer have a partner to share life with, but for sure there is plenty of living still to be done. Romance may no longer be the order of the day, and that was always a challenge to maintain freshness, so now I gave a new and very different challenge. Somehow I have to ‘tune’ into God purpose for the rest of my life. And that has to be something really good and exciting and fulfilling and meaningful… basically worth living for. For sure!

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.’ (NLT)

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