25th April 2012

This evening I was given a taste of a ‘lost world’… my photo is of Jane and her uni friends in New York. That was a really exciting adventure a few years ago. But I’ve actually been feeling really excited about my future, which is pretty weird as I’ve also had a lousy headache all day! But there’s something in my spirit that’s stirring; a hope of change for the better that’s settling on my heart. I just feel enthusiastic about life again. And I even started a new decorating project, my hall. Yes the biggest room in my house has been crying out for attention for a good year or so, though it only really needs the woodwork painting and I can ignore the walls. But it’s still a big job, for me.

Anyway as I was starting to write this, my doorbell rang and I found an old friend of Jane’s standing there. She and her husband were once neighbours and we lost touch a few years ago; I’d thought about them last year but had no contact details. So ok, I found it a little upsetting having to share about Jane, but pleased that one more ‘loose end’ has now been tied up. I enjoyed spending an hour catching up on both our families and found it encouraging. There’s still plenty of other stuff connected with Jane to deal with though, as I still have her wardrobe and untouched personal filing… not to mention a small mountain of art materials and artwork. Sometime later this year, I guess, I’ll make a start.

I sometimes wonder about a few other people Jane used to know and who’ve also not been told. Funny how even quite close friends somehow disappear as life unfolds. Sooner or later I’ll cross tracks I guess and find a way to share about what has happened, but in the meantime I just have to move on. And I’m still finding my feet as a single bloke trying to connect with the world outside of family. Just a few days ago I bumped into a different friend of Jane’s at the local shops, though this time she’d attended the funeral and was complete in touch. It still felt a little strange, but strangely comforting just connecting with my old life. I’ve not only lost Jane, but also all her personal friends. I guess there’s no way round that, but it’s weird how one minute I’m being fed little snippets of information about any number of people and the next they’ve quite understandably disappeared from my life. I often think about Jane’s recent time at University and during 7 years she made a lot of new friends. I met quite a few at different events and especially during the trip to New York. Then one time we even rescued one after her car broke down on a dark country lane in the middle of nowhere. She was seriously underdressed for the icy weather, just a few miles from the wedding reception we’d all been to. I felt quite gallant offering up my heavy winter coat and then satnav to help the breakdown people find us. Another nice little adventure to remember. I like helping out. Anyway, these lovely people have quite disappeared from my life. They were only friendly towards me because of Jane. I need to make my own connections. I have a new life to walk into.

Ok, I still feel excited and optimistic about what lies ahead; it’s just that I sometimes need to unpack a little on that which I’ve lost. I guess it’s therapeutic, acknowledging loss in a more complete way.

 Psalm 27:14 ‘Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.’ (NIV)