11th January

I’m fed up with the emotional rollercoaster, just as I begin to feel a little stronger, down I go again. It’s the decorating thing that’s still affecting me. But if it wasn’t that it would be something else I guess. The memories go round and round, and round and round. Living in the same house for 32 years leaves too many memories to ignore. Every square inch of my home reminds me of Jane and the hopes, dreams, plans and activities we engaged in. All our kids grew up here; three of them were born whilst we lived here. Jane’s mum shared our home for fourteen years. One fiancée slept on our settee for 6 months saving a deposit for my daughter’s marital home. This home has been a wonderful place to live and in some ways it still is. Apart from the emptiness… and the decorating. I’m trying to wallpaper the bathroom at the moment, and the more I think about it the more I reckon I’ve gone and purchased the exact same paper we used several years ago. So the brand new paper ‘feels’ old and worn out before I’ve even finished putting it on the wall! Jane would know for sure and would never have allowed that to happen. It’s not just that I miss her, I actually need her help in countless ways. I never asked her to write down our favourite recipes… well no way was that ever on my mind of course. But that leaves me today with a great big hole in any future menu. There’s no chance that any Delia or Nigella recipe could ever match up to Jane’s skills in the kitchen. She’s left a few scribbled notes with her kitchen books but I’m not ready to look at her handwriting just yet. Basically, Jane’s gone and so has her food. We used to get excited by food… now I’m seriously bored with the half dozen meals I cook.

Everything’s different from now on. Apart from one special ingredient in my life. The Lord… when I’m down he picks me up; when I’m lost he shows me a way forward; when I lose hope he restores with the concrete assurance of faith; when I feel sad he shares in my sadness; when my future looks bleak he paints a beautiful picture; when I’m lonely he draws close; when I doubt he reassures; when I mess up he cleans me up; when love grows cold he warms my heart; in my weakness he is strong; whilst I forget him he always remembers me; whatever my need he provides and without him my life has no meaning whatsoever.

Time for a short Bible study… one of the names of God is El Shaddai. Many English translations render this as Almighty God reflecting an understanding that Shaddai had it’s root in the verb ‘to overpower’ or ‘destroy’. And certainly the omnipotence of God is beyond question. The title El is clearly recognised as meaning strength, might or power, and also being sovereign in nature. But often scripture has a deeper understanding to explore. So looking at Shaddai in another way suggests that Shad relates to the Hebrew for breast, indicating sufficiency or nourishment. And Dai… reinforces the suggestion of enough. Hence El Shaddai…  The All Sufficient God.

Genesis 17:1 ‘I am the Almighty God; walk and live habitually before Me and be perfect (blameless, wholehearted, complete).’ (AMP)