25th January

I feel really sad today. And I’ve been trying very hard to ignore it, though I’m not sure if that’s actually possible. Yesterday I suffered something akin to a migraine for most of the day, repeated painkillers didn’t touch it, and it was only after I finished working on my blog post, using the scripture ‘I am the LORD who heals you’, that the horrid thing lifted. Almost instantly, and that was great. Until mid-afternoon today when it started again. Ugh! Anyway, I was starting to talk about sadness, not ill health. Yes I do sense that low feelings are trying to take a hold again. Perhaps they deserve to, considering bereavement allied with long term ill health. Today I stood at my front door looking out, and the world seemed a very cold and empty place without the love of a good woman to share the journey. But I don’t want depression to have any place in my life, despite the constant reminders of the life that I’ve now lost. My house is filled with reminders of Jane as I’m still not ready to deal with her wardrobe, her study books and her unused art materials. I still harbour a vague desire to restart my own art practice and perhaps use some of her stuff but that’ll take a while yet. Most of her things are ‘hidden’ behind closed doors, but that doesn’t mean they’re not there… waiting for me to deal with. Even now a simple glance at my bookshelf highlights her small collection of books which I’ll probably never read. We worked quite hard, trawling through second hand books acquiring them for her, and now I don’t know what to do with them. She was determined to find ‘old and worn’ hardback classics to read and display. My Clive Cussler and Tom Clancy selection just doesn’t do it! So it was only a couple of years ago that she set her heart on finding a particular book, probably a Dickens, and I remember spending a long time at a National Trust house where they had a particularly large selection to look through. After a while we were about to give up when the thought came about asking for help. So the guy we approached responded by disappearing into a locked room for only a few minutes before producing said book and charging us no more than a couple of pounds for it.

So sadness. How to work through it without sinking into depression? Despite dealing with a Chronic Fatigue relapse, and the subsequent need to rest, I’m trying to keep myself gainfully occupied. So this morning I accepted an invitation for coffee at a friend’s house, where we stirred ourselves, as usual, by debating some of the often contentious issues relating to the Christian journey. And then, did Stratford William really author Shakespeare’s plays? Of course he did! I really had temptation placed in front of me in the form of an I-Pad used to access an interesting set of Ordinance Survey maps. All good fun and quite helpful in controlling the call of introspection. I have to keep busy. And at home I create a nice peaceful atmosphere with soft worship music playing most of the day and subdued lighting at night. Avoiding too much TV helps me to rest as well, but that’s never a problem as I find little to engage there. I remain determined to overcome Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, though I’ve not been this ill since just before Jane died. But generally speaking I remain encouraged, it’s just a blip.

Exodus 20:11 ‘For in six days the LORD made the heavens, the earth, the sea, and everything in them; but on the seventh day he rested. That is why the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and set it apart as holy’ (NLT)