12th January

Strange how it works. But welcome. Today the rollercoaster of emotion has taken me back up, and I feel quite buoyant. If only there were an analysis that could determine the ingredients of life required to maintain the ‘feel good’ factor. I felt so lively that I was able to press on and finish my wallpapering with three sessions spread through the day. Perhaps that is what made me feel better? It’s certainly satisfying to complete a challenging stage in a project but really if I were not ill it would have taken no time at all. And there are still quite a few tasks before I finish that room and move on to the next much bigger challenge… my hall, stairs and landing need some serious tlc! I refuse to give in… ill health will not stop me living.

So then the ‘feel good’ factor? Job satisfaction of course helps and for me is really important, but within a couple of days I will have forgotten all about my wallpapering exploits. Work needs to be continuous and that’s my problem. So the pleasure of completing today’s task has to be measured against the frustration of taking several months just to get to this stage. But I remain determined to beat Chronic Fatigue; it has no claim upon my life.

I’m blessed with my family relationships and never want to take them for granted. I consider all my kids and their families to be really good friends and that’s not something everyone has. We all spend time together and though I’m not sure whether it’s totally good for him, my son looks like he’ll not be leaving home anytime soon. His biggest complaint is that I put too many leeks in the curry! But again, having good relationships with family has to be tempered with the lack of a social life. Everyone I relate to in a meaningful way is married. So anything new I might choose to do I start out alone, and at best end up with a bunch of strangers, which is a bit random to say the least. I’m absolutely grateful for church and the different meetings they have available, but sometimes I feel I need something more than just a program of Spiritual meetings, good as they are. I like to relax with music and art. I enjoy history and engaging with different cultural experiences, but have yet to make a real effort to engage. I quite fancy a trip to London sometime soon; maybe one of the Tate Galleries will have an exhibition that lures me there before long. We’ll see.

My main focus, I suppose, is maintaining some sort of reasonable functionality. Trying to avoid plummeting into permanent tear filled grief, which leaves me feeling really ill. Tears are important, but not all the time. Sadness is normal; despair and depression is to be avoided. So keeping myself occupied with jobs around the home is good. It distracts, as does some time playing computer games which are less demanding physically. I still don’t do TV and rarely watch videos any more. Spending an hour or so writing this blog each evening is particularly therapeutic. Maybe there are a few readers able to engage and understand my ramblings despite the so difficult subject, but I primarily write for my own benefit. It helps me understand how I’m feeling, it sorts out the conflict that storms inside my head and leaves me a feeling little better at the end of each day. Ultimately though, it’s my faith journey that keeps me sane. Without the Lord I’d be nowhere, completely lost, without hope and sunk without trace in the deepest pit of depression imaginable!

But I do know the Lord and today I feel quite ‘skippy’ so before I forget, I can’t overlook that most addictive of pleasures… chocolate. And if that doesn’t make you feel good nothing will!

Deuteronomy 31:6 ‘the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.’ (NIV)