28th January

Yes, I’m certainly on the mend. But it’s been as long week of very little productive activity. It was all triggered by Jane’s birthday, which followed the very busy week travelling to and from hospital with my mum. So now I’m just a little apprehensive about the next couple of days as it’s my birthday on Monday… I’ll be 60, which I’m really not looking forward to. Nonetheless I remain determined to posture myself as a 40 something year old forever. No-one wants to grow old. Not me anyway as I don’t feel it, despite over a decade of ill health. Of course I managed my 3 mile trek through the woods this afternoon and I feel quite sprightly, almost ready to engage with the world again. Almost, but not quite! Tomorrow’s a busy day as all my kids are meeting up to celebrate my birthday. And it’s my son-in-law’s big moment as he’s performing in amateur pantomime at a nearby village hall, so that’s where we’re all going. Last year it was great fun, extremely funny, very well written and performed. But very sad, as it was one of Jane’s last recreational excursions… we had to slowly walk her several hundred yards from the car and I really don’t know how she did it. She was determined though and thoroughly enjoyed sitting with our older grand-daughters. Their eyes nearly popped out of their heads when they saw what their dad was up to! Grandchildren were Jane’s greatest pleasure… she adored spending time with them.

I wonder how she’ll spend the day in heaven. No way would she forget about my birthday and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that we’re all partying together. She knows. Maybe not about the pantomime or the Chinese food we’re having. But yes she knows we’re all thinking of her. And the legacy she left, of special family times at every possible opportunity, will always continue. Anyway I wonder if Jane has a special prayer for me; you know, the sort that seem to be inspired from the very throne room of heaven. And they’re always answered post-haste. Over the years I’ve known countless answers to prayer, though often I fail in recognising them immediately. It’s too easy to pray from a position of perceived need rather than Godly inspiration. The Lord sees our lives from a totally different perspective. I usually see the need for an answer to be today, or maybe tomorrow at the very, very latest. But often the Lord’s timing is rather different and yet retrospectively always perfect. So for example I prayed lots of times for Jane to be healed and restored to life. I never saw that happen. But God did, as he welcomed her into heaven. And one day I’ll be a witness to that as well. Today I hurt, and struggle to understand how my life is the better for losing Jane. At the right time God will show me how and then I’ll understand. But in the mean time I just have to trust and remain thankful for the blessing that Jane was… and that I intend to be for those around me.

I’d love to think that Jane’s praying for me about this weekend. I’m sure she is. I’d like a particular birthday surprise, a special gift from the Lord. Even just a little one, just as long as it’s from the Lord. I just need to see him ‘show up’ in my life. Maybe, just maybe in response to a prayer from my heavenly prayer partner… well I don’t know how to pray anymore. The only thing I really want I can never have. It’d take a miracle to fill the void that Jane has left in my life. In the meantime all I can do is fill my heart with God-purpose and trust that he will heal and restore this broken man in a manner of his choosing.

Isaiah 65:24 ‘I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!’ (NLT)