31st January

So today I had to break out and get away from the birthday blues. And as a token I decided on a minor change of image. I decided yesterday’s self-portrait reminded me a little too much of a grizzly old bear. So I trimmed the beard which was becoming far too itchy anyway, but I suspect it’s only really a single bloke that can get away with growing one of any real substance. Jane never let me anywhere near her when I grew it before! But that’s not a problem I can imagine facing for the foreseeable future, no it’s more to do with image, though I never ever considered myself as image conscious. It’s always been more to do with wearing whatever feels comfortable and is appropriate. But I did spend over thirty years in the workplace wearing a suit, or at least a jacket and tie; so it’s nice to break away from that one. So then I decided the grizzly beard promoted the somewhat grizzly behaviour, and made me feel old, which I suppose I am. Though surely 60 has to be the new 50 or even 40 doesn’t it?

But growing older is a privilege that not all enjoy. Jane didn’t. Grandkids are far more enjoyable than your own kids. Work pressure disappears. Mortgages are finished. Time to holiday, explore the world, and become generally creative, making music, exploring a new hobby… whatever. I no longer work, my income provides well enough and when the sun comes out I can feel quite lively. I have no real worries or pressures. I get on great with all my family and their lives seem to be ticking along quite nicely as they deal with their own life issues quite competently. Yes these next few years have the potential to be the best years of my life! I have to get on with it. Living that is. Ok I’m lonely and still grieving the loss of my lifetime partner, but I’m not giving up. There’s stuff to do that’s worth doing. Right now I’m either gonna have to get used to being single or ask the Lord for a new partner. That would take some time, so for starters I need to start enjoying the independence I’ve never had. Doing my own thing. Going where I want, when I want without accommodating another’s desires. Listening to my choice of music, as loud as I want… yes my new Bose headphones really are rather good! I’ll let you into a secret, a couple of nights ago I was listening to a Wynton Marsalis & Eric Clapton album which is basically great jazz and great fun; and so around 1am I found myself literally dancing around my bedroom I felt so immersed and actually happy. I was ready to party the night away…

Well obviously none of this stuff is what I wanted, but it is what I’ve got. So unless things change again relationally I have to get on with it. I need to turn my back upon the pain of loss and walk into the pleasure and fulfilment of the new, wherever that takes me. And the relatively few minutes of fun and lightness each day will grow more and more for sure. But there is one major ingredient in my life that has rooted itself in my heart over many years now, and that is the love of God and the desire to ‘seek first his Kingdom’. I believe that the Lord loves for us to enjoy life to the full, to have fun, to be creative and above all else to be relational. To love those around us with the exact same love that he loves each one of us with. And I know that as I honour him he will direct my paths and the greatest desire I could ever have is simply to please him, by doing the things he would have me do.

Psalm 28:7 ‘The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him’ (NIV)