Saturday, May 21, 2011

21st May

I feel absolutely exhausted, emotionally and physically. I’m not sure how much longer I can support Jane by caring for her at home… determination is not really enough. She continues to deteriorate becoming increasingly weak and today has eaten almost nothing. Her fluid intake is also very low. She’s quite dizzy with continual doses of morphine and basically is either dozing or sleeping continually. I now have to lift her to move her anywhere and that’s not easy. I really don’t know if I should be contacting a doctor or not as I want to care for her come what may at home. I continue to cry out to God for his mercy and healing and know that he can for sure heal any condition at any stage for his glory but I’m so tired… and my jigsaw’s getting soggy with all the tears. It’s pretty horrible, I keep thinking she’s stopped breathing, I’m sat in front of her wheelchair crying, praying asking God for mercy and then what does she suddenly say - with enormous effort and just a little difficulty understanding – put telly on… the dancing program! After a quick look I break the news that it’s just finished, but maybe I can find it on BBC i-player? Or just watch the results later? Not again she says! Help us Lord… have mercy meet with us, lift us up. This burden is too heavy it’s too hard, but we love you so much!

Now I have to say that, despite the on-going trial which is absurdly traumatic, this week has actually been a happy week for us both. Our youngest daughter has announced her engagement to be married. And we couldn’t be more pleased for them both. Life’s good… but could be better.

Psalm 121:1-2 ‘I look up to the mountains— does my help come from there? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth!’ (NLT)

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