Monday, May 30, 2011

30th May

In one way it’s been quite a nice day today with my two older daughters visiting with grandchildren and husbands in tow. They really are doing everything possible to look after me and I am so grateful it’s making me cry again. But who can I talk to when they’ve all gone home? Not just my home but my whole life feels completely empty. I know that God is with me and that he will renew my life in a different way but that will take time and right now my soul-mate has gone and my heart is broken. I’ve had some lovely cards from so many kind friends, some of whom I’ve completely lost touch with, but they still remember Jane and her kindness to them… I keep thinking I’ll tell her about the cards or e-mails I’ve received and then remember I can’t. Bereavement is rubbish!

Fortunately I organised the family finances so there is very little to untangle there but my home is filled with Jane’s stuff and it’s so painful working around her personal possessions. I suppose I’ll make a start in a week or two as living with things exactly as she left them is quite upsetting. I have to re-invent my life completely and that’s not easy. It’s been 40 years since I was a single bloke with freedom to choose my own pathway through life and I can’t really remember who I am when alone. I’ve shared my whole life with Jane and the children. The kids are obviously still around but they’re all grown up and really need nothing from me but friendship and a little encouragement. They’ve got that… they’re wonderful. My son is totally dependent upon me financially but that’s short term and one day he’ll find work and look after himself. He’s very capable and caring with the warmest of hearts especially towards children. So then my Lord I’m pretty much free to serve you. Help me in this time of grief and then if it pleases you show me your will… I will serve you my God I will fulfil your call upon my life. I’m actually, despite the tears of today, quite excited about the future. I love the Lord and he is with me… and he has a plan. A good plan.

Proverbs 16:3 ‘Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.’ (NIV)

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