Tuesday, May 03, 2011

3rd May

Today has been another seriously difficult day and now I can’t really remember what it’s like to have a ‘normal’ day… a day without an incredibly heavy weight pressing down on every thought, every action. Unless the Lord overrules ‘nature’ my wife will die and the physical problems she is facing at the moment continue to be massively challenging. She is totally exhausted and increased breathlessness remains a major concern. Should she be admitted to hospital? Still not sure it would help just yet and giving up home comforts prematurely is a very high price to pay. We can continue to work on Jane’s comfort levels at home anyway and hopefully next Monday’s x-ray will provide clarity. Early evening she took a daytime dose of morphine which is one obvious option but that’s not a lot of fun to use regularly as it causes drowsiness and she’s quite sleepy anyway. We’ll have to see and could experiment with small doses during daytime hours.

Our focus is upon the Lord as he alone can rescue, he alone can save, and he alone can lift Jane from the grave. We had a tearful half-hour this afternoon and at one point a little voice choked ‘God’s forgotten me’. It didn’t last long though and before long the same little voice sobbed ‘He hasn’t forgotten me!’ There’s something deep inside that is quite unshakeable… I am an eternal optimist. I am totally convinced of the goodness of God even though I do not understand Jane’s suffering and would do anything to help her. And though her suffering is intense God is not responsible, though he could heal and restore her completely, even tonight, there are mysteries concerning God’s purposes and Godly order in the spiritual realm that we do not yet understand. What I do know though is that prayer can change destiny.

Psalm 52:8 ‘… I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever.’ (NIV)

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