Monday, September 26, 2011

26th September

I feel relatively peaceful today, although it feels like there’s a bit of an internal battle going on. I reckon someone’s been praying for me and that’s the peace thing taking hold; but at the same time, barely at arm’s length, there’s a tension waiting to ignite into irritability or worse. I haven’t a lot of patience at the moment and there’s always stuff happening that niggles, even though it’s nothing to do with me. But I don’t really get angry… ever. For some reason it’s just not there inside me; but I certainly can get a little ratty at times and so tend to lock myself away as I don’t wish to fall out with anyone. I guess it’s partly due to being an M.E. sufferer and the tension headaches that are never far away. But I am determined to walk into the Lord’s healing and remain encouraged by managing the condition. I continue to avoid stress, wherever possible, and surely, now the years of battling for Jane’s life have come to a conclusion, finding a level pathway should be far easier as I can now refocus, at least in part, upon my own needs.

When grief strikes at it’s fiercest, it’s like a flood that totally overwhelms, leaving a pathway of devastation behind. Well the flood level has dropped today so now I just have to deal with the devastation. And that’s a challenge in itself. At least I have my woodland walk to enjoy again, though it was a little muddy today. But still enjoyable and noticeably easier striding through just over 3 miles compared with a couple of months ago. I can get around in about 50 minutes on a good day which is not too bad considering the small hills involved. I’m getting there I know, and it really feels as though the Lord is with me as I walk. That’s my starting point for rebuilding my life, simply walking the hills seeking the Lord, his pleasure, his purpose, his presence…

Song of Solomon 2:8 ‘Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills.’ (NIV)

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