Does God answer prayer? Of course he does, but that’s my problem… I don’t think I’m praying enough. I feel rather introspective at the moment, which is probably quite understandable, but it has to be for a season and not a permanent way of life. Yes of course I’m setting aside time to reach out to the Lord and every day is filled with worship music but when it comes down to specific prayer for particular issues I don’t think I’m really getting there. I’m finding it rather difficult adjusting to my new journey with God. With Jane we would start most days reading to one another a chapter of the Bible… that’s sort of ok now I have my Kindle and an excellent ESV study Bible to explore before I get out of bed. And with Jane I spent a lot of time memorising whole chunks of the Bible as part of our battle for Jane’s life and we would recite Psalm 91 quite happily every day for over a year… but I don’t do that anymore as I think it would make me cry too much at the moment.
The real challenge though has to be my prayer life; it’s just not the same without a prayer partner. We never started the day without praying and then right through each day at the slightest excuse we would pray together for just about everything and probably everyone we knew. And at different times over the years we worked through all manner of lists, methodically covering our whole lives and those around us in prayer. Jane often prayed more privately for confidential issues connected with different intercessory groups she belonged to, whilst I was more comfortable simply seeking the Lord for inspiration regarding meetings I often had to lead. But all that is now in the past. Jane has gone and I no longer have any responsibilities to lead anyone anywhere… which is good because I couldn’t at the moment.
I guess I’m simply burnt out. Providing Jane with end of life care was really too intense an experience to expect there to be no consequences. I think I’ve run out of give. And I know the solution to my problem is to be found in prayer. If I intend to regain my life in anything like a normal way I have to start to pray again. I believe that the surest way to receive blessing from the Lord is to become a conduit of his blessing for others. I need prayer for sure and I know many are praying for me, but really there is a shortcut and that is for me to be praying for others. I have to stop whinging about feeling drained and start praying. And after I’ve done that for a bit maybe I can start doing stuff again… this world is filled with so many desperately needy people. I’m not one of them. I’ve just done a bit too much but my weakness is temporary, I will serve the Lord, I will pick up his workload once more and I will do my bit to hasten his return.
Lord, strengthen me I pray. Use me once again to care for the needy, to guide the lost. Help me to comfort those who suffer, allow me to share a message of hope and to be a conveyer of heavenly peace. Put a new song in my heart, a song of worship, a song of praise a love song to my Saviour…
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 ‘Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.’ (NIV)
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