Tuesday, September 27, 2011

27th September

Well today’s been a good day really. But only because I’ve been distracted for most of it and so I’ve just about managed to keep a check on my emotions. A couple of times I came close to tears when talking to people and it’s obvious I still need time out to work things through some more. The whole thing is so very intense; and it’s a pretty horrid season of my life which I’m so glad I’m just passing through. My grief is here for a period of time, it is not a destination, it’s simply a way for me to say goodbye to my wife. One day, obviously, we’ll meet again and spend as much time as we want together. But that cannot happen in this life. It’ll be in heaven, either when I die and take my place there or when the Lord returns to transform planet earth with his heavenly touch. I know that I have to allow grief to run it’s course, I have to let Jane go and in one sense I have to keep saying goodbye until I can give myself permission to move on with my life. It’s hard though when every part of my life since I was 19 was shared with my wife. But it’s not too hard. Not with the Lord’s help. And I know I’m going around in circles at the moment, going over and over the same lines of thought. But that’s how it is with grief. It has to be expressed; it’s an emotional event that has to be lived with until brought to a healthy conclusion. And after I’ve finished saying goodbye I trust the Lord will bring renewal into my life and I can start saying some hello’s… to new activities and new people. And who knows where that might lead me.

So today… it was my son’s first day in his new job, his first full time work at age 24 and he’s a changed man. He enjoyed himself and seems confident in what’s required of him so that makes me feel really happy. Unfortunately he only has a 3 month contract and it’s uncertain what will be available after that, but it’s a great opportunity to get valuable experience given the unemployment in his age group. And this lunchtime I travelled to nearby Loughborough to collect my daughter and grandson for a visit to Jane’s mum who now lives in Melbourne. At 97 she’s been struggling to cope with losing Jane, who was also her primary carer, but today I can report that she’s beginning to pick up a little. Having her 3 year old great-grandson running around asking to be tickled probably helps though! This evening I took on board the role that Jane had for many years as a stay at home mum… I cooked a sweet and sour meal and had it on the table as my son arrived home from work. Aren’t I the good dad then? But then I had to rush out to my church home group. And yes I have had a busy distracting day. But the tears are never far away…

1 Thessalonians 4:16-17 ‘For the Lord himself will come down from heaven with a commanding shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet call of God. First, the Christians who have died will rise from their graves. Then, together with them, we who are still alive and remain on the earth will be caught up in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. Then we will be with the Lord forever.’ (NLT)

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