13th July

I’ve been feeling really lonely today. I woke up missing Jane and shed a few tears into the pillow on my far too big for one person king size bed. We played a song at the funeral called ‘My home is nowhere without you’ and it feels so very true. The home I’ve lived in for 32 years no longer feels like home, and yet I have no other. My holiday did me the power of good and though I returned on a bit of a high, today the rollercoaster ride of grieving has swept me downward once more. I can see that this journey will last a long while yet and hopefully eventually the ups and downs will begin to level out somewhat, but today I feel pretty rubbish and not very happy at all with myself. I’m sure this is all part of the journey I have to travel as I rebuild and in some way re-invent my life but I don’t like days like this at all. Somehow or other I have to return my focus upon the Lord which is not always easy when my emotions are so churned up. But I do know that my future happiness is to be found only in living with Godliness as the cornerstone of my life. I will stand against every negative thought and when they do begin to take a hold I have confidence that as I reach out to the Lord asking for mercy he will rescue me.

Last night I went to our church small group and found myself sharing a little of the experience I had whilst on holiday when the Lord filled me with his peace. I often find that talking through something brings about clearer understanding of what actually happened. So it’s true to say that the lifetime I spent with Jane was a lifetime of love. Indeed, I continually gave my heart to Jane and expressed my love to her both verbally and in lots of other ways many times each and every day we were together… especially towards the end. When she died it was as though a physical chunk of my heart had been torn out of my body leaving a very raw and apparently permanently damaged wound. The gift of peace that God gave me as I sat on the seafront in Deal was more than a simple gift to help me feel better for a while. It was as though the peace of God was actually pressed into every part of me including my damaged heart. I cannot claim that my heart was healed but I can say that the peace of God is now pressed very firmly into that area of damage so much that it no longer feels like damage. And that has to be good as I journey through this season of grief. I have no doubts about God’s ultimate control over everything that has happened with Jane, but more than that I know that all his ways are good and once more I say his favour is, and has always been towards me.

2 Corinthians 10:5 ‘We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.’ (NIV)