29th July

It’s been a fairly relaxed sort of day spent mostly preparing to go away in the morning. One of my daughters and her family will be joining me and my son tomorrow for a week in Deal. The rest of my children and grand-children will come down on Thursday for a long weekend and then we’ll find a way to scatter Jane’s ashes on the shoreline. It’s all very strange and perhaps especially as I know that Jane is now living in a brand new body in heaven. She’ll look rather different I guess but completely recognisable… perfect in every way, relatively young, even more beautiful and absolutely healthy in mind, body and spirit. But as for me, I have to wait for that particular experience and I’m in no rush as there are things to do, such as packing the motorhome: bedding on the bunk, food in the fridge, clothes in the wardrobe, oops nearly forgot my toothbrush, grandson’s birthday present hidden in wardrobe, Jane’s remains packed carefully under the bench seat next to my toolkit… the real Jane will be living in a nice house somewhere in heaven – unless she’s packing some sort of heavenly motorhome or pegging her washing out. I wonder how we’ll live in heaven. Are the practicalities of life covered by the miraculous all the time? But one day we’ll all be living back here I reckon and that will really bring us down to earth in every sense…

I’ve had my two grand-daughters to look after for the morning and casually offered them the use of an old digital camera I own. Without thinking I then decided to download it’s photos and those on my new camera and also a digital video I have onto my laptop. So lots of photos and videos to view… some taken by Jane and quite a few of Jane, including a video of her last birthday in January and the family party we enjoyed celebrating both our birthdays. And a whole selection of images I took just 3 or 4 weeks before she died… she looked so happy, completely relaxed and alive. In one she was eating a large plate of food, smiling and wearing her oxygen tubes as though they were simply designed to match her jewellery. The heartache is unbearable.

I’m really not ready to look at photos and even more so videos. I have to say goodbye to my lover and these reminders of how special she is just hurt too much. In a very real sense she never in anyway belonged to me, she gave her life to Jesus as did I; and I whole-heartedly trust him with my life and hers. He loves her far more than I ever could and his care and provision for her is perfect in every way. From my point of view she deserves the very best that life can offer and whilst I could never give her that, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ most certainly can and does.

2 Corinthians 5:1-5 ‘For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies. While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.’