14th July

I've realised that there are some memories I really can’t handle at the moment. I live in the home I shared with Jane for 32 years and I’m surrounded by our shared possessions but that’s fine… sort of. Every relationship I have, every place I visit has a memory of Jane being there with me and again that’s not a major problem… most of the time. But I was just reminded of the final trying days of Jane’s life which were impossibly intense for both of us. I’m so glad that Jane walked with God through that and as she stepped into eternity all her tears were wiped away and she was instantly made whole to enjoy the presence of Jesus for all eternity.

But I’m still here. And that particular experience was massively traumatic for me. The mental and physical effort of providing palliative care in the home was so extreme that I suppose I’ve simply locked those memories away as too difficult to deal with right now. But having been reminded of that time I know that it’s not enough to simply ignore and try to forget the anguish within me. Yes time will heal and enable me to move on, but only up to a point. I cannot allow toxic pain from those memories to live with me as I go into whatever future the Lord has for me. I trust and pray that I would never be in that type of situation again but should a loved one need me in that way I know I would want to have liberty to support them. And carrying toxic memories may well cause me to shy away and that would be wrong. More than that, negative memories might easily release a lack of faith should I need to pray the prayer of faith once more. And it would be so tempting to back off from being close to anyone just in case they too should face serious illness and that would be so sad.

So I know that in some way, at the right time I need to allow that particular trauma to rise to the surface and then I can take a hold of the pain and give it to the Lord. It cannot stay buried, locked away, allowing me but a brief excursion into those difficult days when I inadvertently get reminded of it. I know that the Lord was present right through those final few days in a very special way; somehow I need to see that reinforced by dealing with every trace of trauma.

John 8:36 ‘So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.’ (NIV)