28th July

I feel quite tired today, but at least no headache so that’s got to be good. I’ve managed a few chores and had a good walk but really I do feel more than a little fatigued. It’s boring having a long term illness and being forced to take time out when it strikes. But I do seem able to keep getting out into the countryside to enjoy the sunny weather. That always makes me feel better and has to be good for my health as well. Maybe I can walk my way into recovery and perhaps start swimming again to really get strong. Keeping focussed and skirting around or carefully walking through any situation that causes stress is the real challenge as from past experience it’s usually that which brings about a relapse. A couple of nights ago I went to a BBQ for my church small group and though they are as nice and caring a bunch of people as you could wish to spend time with I struggled. Four happily married couples all in very long term relationships and then me all on my own… it hurts too much. Somehow I have to get used to living like this but until I do I suppose I need to be more careful particularly about engaging in social activities as I end up becoming ill. It’s all boring as I like meeting with people, I like parties and BBQ’s and I don’t like being on my own.

Some days God feels very distant. I know he isn’t but it still feels like he is, so obviously the problem is with me not the Lord. It’s so easy to succumb to negative thoughts or even the beginnings of heaviness when emotions are so high and a general sadness envelops my every wakening hour. Put on top of that the ongoing weariness from coping with ever present chronic fatigue and I can present a very good justification for becoming a little low. Maybe so, but in my heart I know it’s wrong to let myself walk very far down that particular pathway. It goes nowhere very good I’m quite sure. Within myself I see sadness in an aching heart and an emptiness that was once alive with love for Jane. But I also see the love of God and I know that if I can see that love grow stronger it will fill the emptiness with God’s perfect joy and therein lies true strength to embrace whatever the future holds for me.

Psalm 16:11 ‘You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.’ (NKJV)