3rd July

I feel as though I’ve been walking through a fiery furnace today and by and large come through unscathed. The weather has been incredible and I ended up sitting outside in high sun for far too long, but nonetheless I feel fine and don’t think I’m burned at all… just a little browner and hot. But I’m not really thinking about the sun. This morning I went to church and re-connected with a group of friends whom I’ve only ever related to with Jane by my side. Just entering the building was so very difficult but the welcome was wonderful and I was pleasantly surprised that without exception everyone seemed to already know of my loss. It’s pretty rubbish having to keep telling new people about losing my wife especially when some react quite badly. But today they were so patient and caring and that makes me oh so aware of my own shortcomings when I’ve related to people in a similar situation previously. So this group of people were very sensitive and all said just the right things. I even got invited to a BBQ straight after church for a birthday celebration and that’s how I ended up in the afternoon sun for too long.

And I’m becoming increasingly aware that I’m a raw beginner at the journey through bereavement. Wherever I go I meet those who’ve suffered in a similarly deep way and although I’m not very good at simply listening I am beginning to recognise more and more that I’m not alone. Although each of us has our own individual pathway to walk through the pain it helps to know that there are many who understand exactly how I feel.

I had one conversation today which left me with an interesting thought. God gives us everything we need to cope with whatever painful experience comes our way. He sets before us the coping mechanisms, or ‘tools’ which are different for each one of us but nonetheless they work. More than that, in his strength we can stand against every toxic thought and not allow the negative destructiveness of life’s tragedies to damage us. I may be sad and tearful but inside I know the joy of the Lord will surface. I may feel alone and rather lost but the Lord is my Shepherd and my guide, he will never leave me or give up on me. Today I may wonder who I am without Jane, what am I going to be and what am I going to do. But inside I know that I am first and foremost a child of God, my future is secure and my hope is in the creator of the universe who has plenty of good ideas to spur me on to the next chapter in my life. It’ll be a good one!

Psalm 30:5 ‘Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.’ (NLT)