21st July

I feel quite good today with a stirring of optimism just beginning to rise up once more. There’s a predictability about the cycles of grief as it’s still early days and I suppose it’ll be a while before I can properly move on. But even though I still feel very sad it’s nothing compared with the depths of grief I suffered last weekend. Yes, I do feel good and the headaches have just about gone as well.

So then what have I been up to today? It’s been a preparing the motorhome day, buying gas and some minor repairs, getting ready for the family holiday in Deal at the end of next week. And that’ll be different this time. But still good, and it’s a real privilege to have all 10 of my children, husbands and grandchildren together for a few days. There’ll only be my youngest daughters fiancée missing I believe as he has to work which is a shame. But they’re all in tents so we could do with some sunshine to help with the holiday fun.

I did feel tired again today but sort of forced myself to go for a short walk, back to the woods at Kedleston Hall and whilst I was walking I started thinking again… as you do of course. Recalling memories of my life with Jane I was basically thinking about so many things that I can never do again. But how many of of those things I would ever get round to doing again is another story. Anyway with those thoughts comes a real sense of loss. But what have I really lost? I can never lose the past… it’s happened and cannot be changed. My future will obviously be different… but until it unfolds we never really know what the future will be like anyway so how can I lose what I do not yet have? When I grieve my focus should really be upon my present loss of Jane. I haven’t lost my past or my future. The past was good and whatever the challenges the future will be better.

I still have no idea how to go about scattering Jane’s ashes when we’re down in Deal. I think I know where we’ll do it but can’t at this stage imagine what it’ll feel like or what needs to be said or even how to do it… I suppose prayer will be part of it but maybe something more, I don’t know. I’ve never done this or even seen it done before. It all feels very strange. I just want it to be done right. In some way special…

Mark 13:11 ‘don't worry about what you'll say. When the time comes, say what's on your heart.’ (MSG)