Monday, August 22, 2011

22nd August

I feel like the sparkle has gone from my life and I’m struggling to properly engage with anything… it’s as though I’ve run out of enthusiasm. Cognitively I know it’ll pass, but at the moment I feel pretty rubbish as I just cannot get to grips with living my life without Jane. I suppose the past week or two hasn’t been too bad but right now I’m back thinking of everything she meant to me and the person I became with her by my side. I feel like a young child who’s wandered off, got lost and doesn’t know what to do. And our poor cat seems trapped in the past as well. When I let him in, after being out, he’ll wander up to an empty armchair and stare for a while before howling. Then he’ll walk into the hall and look into our front room, which used to be Jane’s mum’s bedsit, as if he’s determined to find her there still. All I can do is keep feeding him premium quality cat food and try and stroke him now and again. I was child-minding my grand-daughters today so at least he had a female lap to sit on for a while.

Jane’s mum was 97 last week and she’s still struggling to get to grips with her new reality. She keeps asking the Lord why he took Jane and left her to live for a while longer. She doesn’t really want to live anymore. However, although there’s a waiting list she’s been offered a place in sheltered accommodation fairly close to where I live and that’ll put her back in connection with all her old friends when it happens. It’s a 1 hour detour each way for someone to pick her up to go to church at the moment and that’s no fun for the very small group of people trying to help her. I don’t see how things could have been done differently but it must have been so difficult for someone of that age being given one hour’s notice to leave your home of 14 years, losing regular contact with every single friend and then having your daughter die soon after. No matter how kind and caring Jane’s sister has been in taking her in it’s still all too much for her to process.

I just feel empty…  Oh Lord have mercy, come and fill my life with your loving kindness once again.

Ephesians 5:18-20 ‘Don’t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts. And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.’ (NLT)

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