Saturday, August 27, 2011

27th August

Today’s been really difficult again. I sort of hoped that the worst was over some weeks ago, but I was wrong. My whole being is just crying out with pain from the loss of my wonderful wife, I miss her dreadfully. It feels almost impossible to live without her by my side. We were barely ever separated for 40 years and the pattern for my life seems set in stone, everything I’ve ever done since I met her I’ve done with her blessing and agreement. I no longer have that, except in my imagination and that needs to be avoided. But how do I break what was such a good habit? And after so many years it’s completely ingrained. I really need a new life, a new focus. But how do I find that? I suppose it happens with a step, maybe a little one, maybe a big one, though in some ways I’ve already begun. Every day is already different as Jane is not here… she’s busy elsewhere and not able to contact me right now. I’m all alone in everything I do. I know it, or rather my mind knows it but right now my heart says something different. It has a big Jane shaped hole in it, it’s broken. But…

My heart is where I find my God
My heart is where it all begins
My heart is where I find hope
My heart is where I dare to dream
My heart is where I have a care
My heart is where I live to love
My heart is where I find my joy
My heart is where I keep my peace
My heart is where I store my treasure
My heart is where I find my God

Proverbs 4:23 ‘Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. (NIV)

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